COULD HAVE BEEN

Could’ve been so beautiful
Could’ve been so right
Could’ve been my lover
Every day of my life...


I’ve always been a fan of the 80s, most especially its sappy songs and catchy tunes. But this song is extra special because most of the time I could very well relate to it.

As read from my Facebook status last week, I found out an ex-crush already passed away a few years ago. In all fairness, I was indeed saddened by this news. I never even had the chance to get to know him better. :(

Let’s call him AJ. He was my greatest crush in college. We were classmates in my first major class during my sophomore year. Truth is he didn’t even finish the class because he dropped out midway. We never had a class together after that. But with LP being a not-so-big school and we both belong to the same college, I still got to see him at least once a week, be it along the hallway, the school canteen, or elsewhere.

What attracted me to him was his being mysterious and shy altogether. He seemed to be always thinking seriously and being in a place other than where he actually is, a drifter you may say.

One time while I was with friends waiting for a class to start, I saw him about to pass in front of us. He was with SOMEONE! That someone was the first girl I became friends with during my freshman year. We were in all classes that year but separated the following year because we have different majors. I was numb, unable to react. But when the girl threw me a smile, I smiled in return.

That wasn’t the last encounter though. While having an early dinner at the canteen one time, I remembered that I left my scientific calculator at home (it was our Trigonometry mid-term examination for heaven’s sake!) so I rushed outside to look for someone to borrow it from. Lo and behold, they were just outside the canteen, and actually walking towards my way. I gathered all the guts I could and asked the girl for the said calculator and luckily she had one at that time. AJ was just beside her that time, carrying some of her things as I noticed. I asked for her room number and proceeded to class. When I returned it, I saw him again, but I can’t remember if he threw me a glance or whatever.

The last memory I had of him was in junior year, at the awarding ceremony for CAS Week. I won a silver medal for a quiz bee that week. When I descended the stage and walked towards my friends who were at the back that time, a girl called my name. That was my friend, congratulating me for my win. He was beside her, smiling.

There were so many times I tried to convince myself to ask my friend what the real score was between them. I was wrong, terribly wrong, to have assumed they were an item that time. Because just last week I found out THEY WERE NOT. I asked her straight (thru FB message last week), and she answered back: close lang kami pro d kami. as in prang kapatid lng. I became more sad. All this time I thought they were a couple.

Things could have been different. If only I asked, this friend of mine might have even rooted for us to be together. Looking at his Friendster account right now, I realized how so much alike we were, how we like the same things and how great it would have been to even be friends with him.

I’m a MANANG by heart. I don’t do the things women of today do (especially being the first one to tell a guy that I am attracted to him). But this thing with AJ, I had control all along, if only I had the courage back then.

I’ll finish this off with a poem I did the first night I saw them together (this is from memory and words might have changed from the original one). I’m going to be all right, that I’m sure of. He’s with our Father above, and that alone makes me happy.

FIFTH NIGHT

I see myself in grief.
Why?
All of a sudden
I felt my knees shaking,
my nerves trembling
As I blame the scene.
It was a fateful evening.
A close friend
and the man I LOVED...
Together!
I don’t know what to do
or how am I to react.
But dear friend,
hold him tight.
Love him the way
I wished to love him.
And to you lucky guy,
take good care of her,
like the way I did before.
I wish you well,
and this really comes from within.
As I try to start over
and cling to the memories
alone.