grateful still

From Miranda Bailey (Grey's Anatomy):

The miracle of life itself; why people live and die, why they hurt and get hurt is still a mystery. We want to know the reason, the secret, the answer at the back of the book… because the thought of our being all alone down here is just too much for us to bear. But at the end of the day, the fact that we show up for each other, in spite our differences, no matter what we believe, is reason enough to keep believing.

So here's the thing...I've been thinking lately...and by that I mean not just a spur-of-the-moment-after-a-while-it's-gone-already kind of thinking.

Why? I feel like I really have to step up this year. And since I started the year right (and beaming with happiness, yey!), I guess it wouldn't be too much to ask if I want 2008 to end rightly, too, and this time to my advantage.

I deserve more for I know I have worked my damn @$$ to get to where I am now. But the question is: AM I REALLY GETTING SOMEWHERE? I have performed well, even better than most people I know. Damn, all those were just crap and nonsense to some! And I'm freakin' tired already. I need to be somewhere where my efforts (and my achievements at that) will be appreciated and recognized.

Where have I gone wrong? I guess I lacked a little push. The drive is there but I wasn't that determined to fight for what is due me and all I did was just wait and let the world crash in front of my face. It wasn't jealousy, believe me. It is the plain feeling of being bypassed after all these years.

My current YM status is: BECAUSE OF YOU, I'M RUNNING OUT OF REASONS TO CRY...How I wish I am referring to a guy, haha!

They are my friends – people who stood by me and have put up with my ever changing moods these past few months (or years?). I am not that close to my family, but with my friends I could laugh my heart out and use up an entire roll of tissue paper whenever I have the urge to open up. I am so full of issues, but with them I can be myself.

Special mention to my friends from GT: You know who you are. You never fail to put a smile in my face every day. I am honestly amazed that in less than a year I was able to gain "real" friends who share my interests and are actually non-judgmental and caring in the truest sense of the word.

Now what? I believe I'm ready to go explore the outside world. There's this voice in my mind that whispers "WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?" Hmmm...It was my love for the thing I've hold on to these past few years.

For whatever it's worth, I'm grateful still. For all the teardrops and the pain, for all the lessons learned, for all the bickering and stabbing-behind-my-back, for all the frustrations and disappointments – these things have only made me stronger and able to embrace the future that's in store for me.

My options are open. Just a little more time...