Thursday, August 31, 2006

TOODLE-OO

this will be my last post about him, promise! starting this september, i'm returning to my previous posts on movie reviews and other stuffs that interest me. let the curtains down... on him i should say (wink)!

Goodbye Alice In Wonderland
Jewel


[Verse 2:]
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
You did not


Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love

Can even make monsters seem like
Angels from above

You forged my love like a weapon
And turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
But you opened up my eyes


[Chorus 2:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
what was missing in my life


[Bridge:]
Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
Pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie

Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told
And growing up is not the absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones
you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold


[Verse 3:]
Well, truth is stranger than fiction
And this is my chance to get it right
Life is much better without all of your pretty lies



[Chorus 3:]
So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
You can keep your yellow brick road
Cause there is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wishing
That you were what was missing from my life

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

mere "acquaintance"

The following are some lines from I Don't Want to be Your Friend by NINA:

You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'cause all I want to be is just free of you baby

Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Go now, go now

You take it so casually, and baby that's killing me...

*Yep, I've narrowed down our relationship to just a mere "acquaintance". And probably one of these days, I could still lower it to "colleague".

Friday, August 25, 2006

realization



yeah, right!
i'm close to "recuperation".
enough of those
drowning-in-my-own-tears moments.

go away! leave me alone.
i want to say:
i beg you to walk away from me
but will you?

out of sight, out of my mind
i heard this a thousand times
but will it work on me?
i really hope so!

a closed chapter
that's how we should be
things are not always what they seem
guess i believe that now.


let go and move on
easier said than done
yet the most sensible thing to do
when there is no reason to hold on.


until then...
goodbye is not the term
i wish you well
and i hope someday you realize your lost.

*****
From Susan Skog, ABC's for Living: "Laugh until you cry and weep until you can smile again."

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

totally overrated

this is how i can describe my latest bout with life. how i wish it's that easy to tell him to "scram" and just let me be. damn! he still doesn't get it, or worse, he's in denial still. and what pains me more is this: i couldn't bear with the fact that no matter how many times he breaks my heart, i seem not to get him out of my system. he just doesn't know how much i'm hurting everytime he comes near me. so please, i'm begging... JUST BACK OFF!!!

Monday, August 14, 2006

bottomless no more

Yes, there was a time when my feelings for him were overflowing; it's actually way beyond my grasp. But that was before. My glass is now half empty, a clear indication that i'm almost close to "recovery". It would take a huge amount of effort on my part, that I'm certain of. But I'm taking things as it is, although I seem to be losing my mojo sometimes.

My favorite series of the moment, Grey's Anatomy, has really helped me make it through this tough time of my life. I have quoted some of my favorite lines from the marathon I watched over the weekend:

"Hope pain goes away on its own; that it heals from the wound that caused it."

"Most of the time pain gets managed, but most of the time pain gets you! Fight through, outrun it!"

"Love, like life, is like making choices and fate has nothing to do with it."

"Not knowing is the worst feeling in the world."


I would have told this guy what Dr. Meredith Grey told Dr. Derek Shepherd: "Pick me, choose me, love me." But who the hell am I in his life anyway? I don't even know where I stand right now.

I'm currently doing the best I can with what is left. How I wish I could speed up the process but that is obviously impossible. I guess moving out is the only way to move on. And I hope I could do that soon...

Friday, August 11, 2006

thoughts that linger

sure, i drown in my own tears lately...

sure, there are times when i don't know where i'm going...

sure, love has mostly given me heartaches, but i was able to pick myself up, for i know nobody else will...

sure, falling for someone is a choice we make, yet it is also up to us when to snap out of it and realize that what we "hope" for might not transpire despite our efforts...

sure, i try to conceal my emotions to everyone, only to breakdown and cry when i feel like i could not take it any longer...

sure, i pray for that one special person to share my life with, and i'm not giving up on that, no way...

sure, my family is not perfect, but i guess everybody else's family is, too...

sure, some friends are hard to reach, yet there are those who stick and remain to be there no matter what...

sure, i do not earn much, but i wouldn't trade my job for anything else in this world...

sure, i splurge when i have the chance to, yet no one has the right to question me on that...

sure, i meet challenges and complexities along the way, and these are the things that help make me able and ready to face another day...

sure, my life is a mess sometimes, but at least i'm in control...

and whether i experience pain, chaos, and beauty, i know life still has a lot to offer.

and you know what... i celebrate life's diversity! it's what keeps me sane after all these years!!!

From Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy: "Knowing is better than wondering; waking is better than sleeping."

Friday, August 04, 2006

these songs

why do i have this feeling that the songs i listen to lately somehow has me as its "role model"? most of them tell exactly of what i've been going through right now. but maybe it's just mere coincidence; that somewhere out there someone feels the same way that i do.

i've been hooked to homegrown talents lately, especially bands like up dharma down, juana, and milk 'n money. however, my first featured song for this entry is from nina, the first cut from her latest album which is out this month.

i do
nina


i can sense what you've been thinking
you wanna know if what i feel

is it down or the real thing
does your touch give me chills

if you think i have no interest
in the things you say and do
baby if you close this distance
i'm gonna prove to you that...


refrain:
i'm ready boy, ready boy
you know i wanna play
then come and go, go inside
i've got something to say to you
could have told you what you wanna hear boy
and it's oh so true


chorus:
do i like the way you kissing me
i do, yes i do
do i think about the birds and the bees
you know i do
coz there ain't no ways or maybes
do i wanna be your baby
yes i do, i do, i do

do i like the way you compliment my style
yes i do
do i like the way you chose to make me smile
you know i do
been thinking 'bout it lately
and i wanna be your baby
yes i do, i do, i do
(i really, really do)


i can see you've got some issues
you're afraid to let us start
many pieces of this puzzle
i'm missing from your heart

i can heal the pain you're feeling
i can fix the things you fear
seem too obvious to mention
but you're the reason that i'm here

(refrain and chorus)

bridge:
we could melt into the sun
watercolors start to run
we'll lie between the blue and green
maybe love changes everything

tears won't wash away the hurt
running from it doesn't work
coz love changes everything
everything, everything
(chorus)

all
juana




so you tell me that i'm wasting my time
coz i won't understand the reasons why
all the glimpses playing in my mind
keep on reminding me something's not right


please... beggin'
and here i am waiting for your say
and i say my soul is blackened
haunted by rejections
tell me when will this end

refrain
there is something in the wind
and maybe you should know
that it's real and it's for you
and if there's something in your heart
why don't you let me know
should i say or should i go


chorus
all the wasted time
all the times i've cried
all the words that rhyme
don't mean a thing
if i don't get it straight from you


now you tell me that i've lost my mind
coz you will never tell the reasons why
you had to leave me hanging on the line
somebody else's foot just stepped on mine

please... callin'
and here i am hearing you tell me it's over
my heart is broken
an understatement
coz you know you chewed it into bits

(refrain and chorus)

bridge
everyday
feels like i'm being pushed into a hole

all the heads around are shakin'
my pride is torn and broken
yet you tell me that it doesn't show

yeah all i know
is that one day i will be over you

coz all the dreams that i have known
simply faded in the cold

and something's tellin' me i must let go... let go

(refrain and chorus)

sige na please
juana


kay tagal kong naghintay para sa iyo
hindi ko matiis na ngitian mo na lang ako!
nais kitang hawakan at ipaalam
ang laman ng puso kong ito

ng puso kong ito

chorus
sige na please! sige na please!
pakinggan mo naman ako
dati pa man, dati pa man
ako’y in love sa yo!
sige na please! sige na please!
pakinggan mo naman ako


di ko maintindihan kung bakit ka ganyan
hindi naman kita pinipilit, sabihin mo na lang
kung ayaw mo akong kasama, eh di pagbibigyan

pero isang pakiusap lang
(chorus)


hinihiling
milk 'n money




oras ba ang pinahahalagahan
paano nang nadarama ko
siguro nga'y kailangang magtimpi
upang ang lihim ay di marinig


refrain
kailan ba
mo malalaman
kailan ba
o darating pa ba


chorus
ako na lamang bang maghihintay
kailangan ko pa bang pagdaanan ito
sapat na ba ang makinig
sa bawat oras na hinihiling, hinihiling
hinihiling sa 'yo
o darating pa ba


bakit pa kailangang magtiis
ililihim ko na lamang ito
baguhin ko pa ba ang lahat
pinipigilan ang sariling di sabihin

(refrain and chorus)

nangangarap lang
milk 'n money


naghihintay
sa pagpasok mo diyan sa pinto
kanina pa kita inaabangan,
hinihintay sa tabi ko
alam kong di mo napapansin,
nahihiyang aminin
ngunit sana man lang
ako'y iyong maintindihan


chorus
nagpupuyat sa kaiisip
nananaginip nang gising
pinapangarap na sana nga'y ikaw na nga
nangangarap lang
nangangarap lang


tinitingnan bawat minuto
sa aking orasan
bakit ba ako kinakabahan
sa tuwing lalapit ang iyong pagdaan
alam kong di mo napapansin
umaasa ang puso
pero sana man lang
ako'y iyong mapagbigyan

(chorus)

pakinggan mo sana
milk 'n money

bakit ba sa tuwing nakikita ka
lahat ay naiiba, ako'y sumasaya
mundo ko'y humihimig
umaasang pag-ibig na sana


refrain
ngunit kung ayaw bigyang pansin
dapat ko pa bang sabihin
kahit na damdamin ay pigilin
bahala na


chorus
pakinggan mo sana
ang pag-ibig na umaasa
pakinggan mo sana
ang pag-ibig na umaasa
(sana'y nariyan na...)


sana'y dinggin at isipin
lahat ay nagbabago rin
kung ang pagsuyo't hangarin
ay di mo pa rin naman pansin

(refrain and chorus)

i'm not yet done, guys! this is probably the most heartbreaking of them all. i just chose some relevant parts.

pagkakataon
milk 'n money

paano kung di na tayo magkikita?
paano kung wala nang pagkakataon
masabi ang lahat sa 'yo?


*there are actually so many "what ifs" on my mind right now. i know it's wrong since as we go through life, we really should have no regrets. but i'm just human after all. if what i feel is just some kind of illusion, where must i draw the line?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

wazzup with me lately?

ano nga ba? my previous posts have been all about him. kinda enjoy naman di ba, just as i'm enjoying every minute with him (move on and let go pala ha, liar!)

films i have seen lately: pirates of the carribean (dead man's chest) - so hilarious; the breakup - an eye opener indeed!; and many more i can't even recall, hehe!

i also saw the evening screening of three stage plays at virgin labfest (at the cultural center of the philippines)weeks ago (on a friday night). thank you so much ate anabel for accompanying me to that one. i enjoyed it so much. kudos also for making this blogsite "pretty" like me (kapal talaga!).

as for him, hay naku ganun pa rin ever, pasakay always! another officemate of mine knows my secret already. it was one of those "corner" moments when i didn't actually have the chance to deny the truth. she actually promised to "help" me out with him. and would you believe she started her plan yesterday by telling him: "sir, may papakilala ako sa inyo, for sure magugustuhan niyo!" to which he replied: "sigurado ka ba diyan, baka paiiyakin lang ako niyan ha! ay wait, ako pala ang palaging nagpapaiyak..." ganun!

the compliments seem endless, too! yesterday he said how beautiful my attire was to which i answered back: "syempre pretty ako eh!" he said: "sige na nga quiet na ko!" at lunchtime, before we went out he said: "ang payat mo na talaga!" while saying that, my officemate was actually looking at him and she said he was practically staring at me (wink!).

sobrang complicated noh! even ang gastroenteritis ko meron na rin sya! he even said nahawa raw sya sa akin (heller!). he texted me friday morning to tell me he has a mild case of gastro, but the diagnosis was intestinal flu. kinda "bagay" talaga, hehe!

until my next "kilig" post...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

back to back

I heard this song from Grey's Anatomy (First Season, Episode 3) and the lyrics kept on playing in my mind. Maybe because it pierced through my heart deeply.

Fools Like Me
Lisa Loeb
Album: The Way It Really Is (2004)


Everybody go, the party's over
I want to be alone in my head, in my bed tonight
You never show
You must really love her
You think I don't know but I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over
I'm right back where I started when it comes to wanting you
I can't have what I wanted


But I did, I can, I was, I am only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, if love's a drug, it always is, it always was
And love was surely made for fools like me


I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok, at least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it, wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now
My feet are where I landed
Feet are staying on the ground


But I did, I can, I was, I am only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, if love's a drug, it always is, it always was
And love was surely made for fools like me
Fools like me, fools like me
I did, I can, I was, I am only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed


Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream

But love was surely made for fools
Love was surely made for fools, love was surely made for fools
Love was surely made for fools, love was surely made for fools like me

This next song was highly recommended by 'te Anabel (got this from www.tristancafe.com). Grabe Ate, this is way too related to me!!! Thanks ha! Sana I could download my own MP3 one of these days, then I'll make a wallpaper of the lyrics and play the song altogether when he use my eMAC one of these days. Baka matauhan, hehe!!!

LIHIM
Milk n Money
Album: Graduation Day


Ilang gabi nang lumuluha, nagsisisi
Laging lumalapit, umaasang magbabalik
Habang naglalakad, lumilipad ang aking isip
Sa aking panaginip, Umaabot hanggang langit

CHORUS:
Ngunit pag ika'y lalapit para bang masasaktan
Ayaw mapahiya ngunit di makaiwas
(Ayaw na marinig na ako'y iyong iiwan)
At kapag nandyan at kaharap
Biglang mawawala ang gustong sabihin
Unti-unting nagiging lihim
Kasabay ng luha ko

Gusto ng lumayo sa kanyang mundo
Kahit anong gawin may pumipigil na damdamin

CHORUS

Di na dapat pang ilihim
Aking tunay na damdamin
Takot sana ay tinabi
Kahit na masasaktan na lang

ohhh.... ohhh....

Thursday, July 20, 2006

ten times three

10 Things I Hate About You
(as spoken by Kat Stratford, played by Julia Stiles, in the movie of the same title)

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.

I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.

10 Things I Hate About You
(as posted by someone from www.highfiber.org)

I hate the way you smile at me because you're drivin' me insane.

I hate the way you talk because you make some girls for you.

I hate the way you look at me because you're making me feel so conscious.

I hate the way you sit beside me because you're making me feel so nervous.

I hate the way you make me laugh because you make me feel so desperate to get you.

I hate the way you care for me because now and then I get carried away.

I hate the way you tease me because I know deep inside you don't have any knowledge how I feel for you.

I hate you so much when you're making me feel so sick, because I know I can't be yours and you can't be mine.

I hate the way you read my mind because you know how to play to be so naive.

Lastly, I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a bit, not even at all.


10 Things I Hate About You (my own list)

I hate the way you turn around to talk to me because it makes my heart skip a beat or two.

I hate the way you try to start a conversation with me, only to lose your words instead.

I hate the way you give me compliments, because it makes me try my best to get your attention.

I hate it that you tease me, for I never cease to do ways to make you want me.

I hate it that you go by my ideas, for it makes me wonder that we're meant for each other.

I hate the way you treat me as your "favor girl" for I find it hard to explain to people we're "just like that" to each other.

I hate it when you show you care, yet you didn't give us a chance to further our relationship.

I hate it that you consider me only as a friend, for it makes me realize I shouldn't have fallen for you from the start.

I hate the days when you're not around, for it breaks my heart every time I think you're with someone else rather than me.

I hate it that I remain truly yours (for I decided to keep our friendship), even if I'm hurting...


*I actually agree with the second list 100 percent, but I decided to still do my own list. How am I? I'm coping, I guess. I just hope the "girl" remain true to her words - "LIGAWAN LANG PO NIYA AKO, HINDI KO PO SIYA SASAKTAN!" It actually pains me to know that she's still entertaining the possibility of going out with other guys. He doesn't deserve such treatment! But then again, maybe they're not that serious. The term "exclusive" might not be their case. I don't want to know! The last time I searched for the truth, it kinda hit me in the face... big time!

Saturday, July 15, 2006

the night i breakdown and cry

it was wednesday night when he admitted to me that he's dating someone i know; the one we've all been buzzing about for quite some time. i didn't force him whatsoever, it just flowed from our conversation. at that moment, i felt like an arrow just shot through my heart! i cried and i'm not afraid to say it. yes, you can't make someone love you! and i shouldn't have assumed and expected in the first place. i know he cares for me, but that's just about it, nothing more. love is indeed misleading, yet we can't help ourselves sometimes. and inasmuch as i'd like to avoid him, for the closer we get the more i fall for him, i believe i mustn't. first, he might think that all this time my kindness to him was just a mere front act to cover my feelings, when in fact the feelings were just a product of our closeness. and second, i'm afraid to lose the friendship. i'm at a loss right now.  the letter read yesterday by joe d'mango over at wave 89.1 even made the matter complicated. here's my favorite part: "why would he let me fall for him when he has no intentions of catching me?" sometimes life is really that unfair, and a one-sided affection is common to most people. i know it would take me some time before i could finally let go. lately i don't know how many times i've played the song have you ever (brandy) on my itunes. true, i'd love to tell him how I feel, but i don't know if i'll ever muster the courage to do so. you know how guys get frightened by such revelations! as for now, i'm trying to be strong; staying miserable won't do me any good. after all, there's always sunshine after the rain, and a light at the end of the tunnel...

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

never been lovers, not even friends (?)

I quoted the title of this post from the song "Invisible War" by Julia Fordham. I'm still clueless and I believe that's how it's going to be. Yes, I succeeded with the plan, for he eventually gave up and did the first move by sending me a text message. But there are still questions left unanswered. And the stories I've been hearing lately pains me still. I've been talking to friends about my situation and all of them have the same observation - "I DON'T BELIEVE THEY'RE TOGETHER ALREADY!" What the heck! All I want is the truth. Am I wrong to demand for something that would eventually clear my mind of these doubts I have?

Last Sunday, we had the longest exchange of messages ever! I never even imagined we would cross the line and talk about family matters. I must admit I'm guilty somehow since I initiated the talk, but I didn't expect for him to react and he even said he relates to my situation. Actually, we were supposed to talk over the phone (*wink*) and he even asked for my landline, but I declined saying ours is a business line mostly used as pay phone. I really don't want him to think I'm giving in to him that easy (or am I already?). So then he agreed that we just exchange text messages (no choice for him, I suppose).

After the office issues, it was then when I told him it's a good thing he didn't call me up, for he might have heard my mom's monologue over the phone. He said his mom's just like my mom. And having witnessed family issues as a child (we're both the youngest in the family by the way), he said that is one reason why he's afraid to settle down. I would have reacted but I decided not to.

So, are we friends? I think so! My answer is actually based on the first text message he sent me after he arrived. It goes: "If ever you have problems, come to me and I'll help you. If you don't have any problems, come to me anyway. Gagawa tayo ng problema! After all, what are friends for?" I haven't actually sent him a message on friendship before (and this is his first, too) since I don't know if that's how he sees me. All this time I thought I was just a colleague for him, his "favor girl" to be exact.

It's enough that I know he's happy right now, despite his disappointments at work. And regardless of the never-ending questions on my mind, I am happy, too. I just don't know how long this will last...

"Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there."

- Erma Bombeck

Friday, July 07, 2006

This thing called enjoy-for-the-moment!

Below is another heartbreaking reality I received from e-mail. It kinda reflects the situation I'm in right now. It's actually longer but I decided to just choose the parts that I could perfectly relate to.

Reasons Behind Feelings (an excerpt)
by Blessie Duque


Whether we dare to admit it or not, if two people spend enough time together, often times feelings get developed. It may not be as strong as falling in love but the attachment and passion is still there.

When feelings grow, there may be times where one feels more than the other. That person might get emotionally attached without wanting those feelings in purpose.

And in order for things not to get spoiled, that person would usually try to control how he/she feels especially if he/she does not have a clear understanding of where he/she stands in the other person's life.

People who are in this kind of predicament typically put their guard up in fear of rejection; in fear that the other person would not feel the way they do; or in fear that if they reveal their real intentions and feelings, the other person might lose interest. So they get content just staying in that situation without having any emotional involvement; with no strings attached and no obligations. But deep inside they hurt, they cry, they wonder. On the other hand, they remain involved maybe because they hope that they would end up having an intimate and meaningful relationship with their partner (dream on!)


Some may be so infatuated with the other person that they would mistakenly consider how they feel as being "in love". They get so blinded by each moment they spend time with that someone because it makes them feel good and wanted even for just that instant. In the bottom of their hearts, they long for that person to care for them the way they do.

The truth is ... nothing will change the way that other person feels for them. It will be no more than just a physical attraction, an enjoy-for-the-moment kind of situation. It sucks doesn't it? But that is reality. You could never make someone like you, care for you, or love you. You could only give so much but in the end if that other person still doesn't see you as someone they could spend real time with, you have to learn how to cut him/her lose because you will end up just playing the role of a "meantime" boyfriend or girlfriend, no more no less.

Reasons of the heart sometimes can never be explained. We do what we feel because we know what makes us happy, even if it means taking the chance of getting hurt over and over. We tolerate pain, we endure heartbreaks, we hold on to instances that need letting go, we sacrifice, and we take risks notwithstanding the consequences of our actions. As we all know, life is full of uncertainties. And we, as human beings are always scared of the unknown. So we hold back from doing what we think is right because it means that we have to get out of our comfort zone. It puts the fear inside us because we are dependent on the feelings we have for that someone. We forget how it is to live without them because we are so used to them being around us. We become inconsiderate of our own feelings that we sometimes fail to remember that things just don't work out the way we want them to...no matter how hard we try.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

my version

A portion of a forwarded e-mail I received yesterday:

Tapos itong isa naman sabi: “Mabait lang ako sa babae kaya ako ganito sa iyo.” Lalong masakit! Bakit? Hanep naman kasi. Bibisitahin ka linggo-linggo sa bahay, magiging sweet sa iyo, kakantahan ka pa, yayakapin, hahalikan at higit sa lahat sasabihing napakaganda mo at napakabait at ano ba yun ‘special’ girl ka sa kanya. Hindi mo aakalain na normal lang pala nyang ginagawa yun. Ikaw naman, mafofall ka, hindi mo mapigilan. Pero wala ka namang magawa. Ang sabi ko naman sa sarili ko ngayon, “it’s your loss, not mine.”

My edited version, hehe:

May mga guys na sadyang mabait at maalalahanin. Nandiyang i-complement ka sa tuwing magkikita kayo! Aaargh... ang sakit! Bakit? Hanep naman kasi. Magiging sweet sa iyo, text you sweet nothings, at higit sa lahat sasabihing napakaganda mo at napakabait mo. Ano ba yun ‘special’ girl ka sa kanya? Or should I say, I'll always be his "favor girl"! Shet! Ganun na lang ba talaga? Oo nga, never assume and never expect. Pero, heller! Ano ba ko bato para hindi makaramdam? You treat me in some special way unlike my peers! Sa totoo lang, hirap na rin akong maintindihan ang sitwasyon. Hindi ko pa rin ma-figure out kung normal ba nyang ginagawa yun! Ako 'tong gaga na unti-unting nahulog sa kanya, hindi mapigilan ano mang effort ang gawin ko! Wala talaga akong magawa. Kaya ngayon, lie low muna ever! Pa-girl ba! It's my only way to find out if he's into me or not. Kahit papano may development. Ikaw ba naman ang tikisin siya ng ilang araw! And I guess siya ang nag-give up. Pero subtle uli. Nakakapraning, nakakapagod din! But is he worth it? Siguro nga... kase di naman ako mawiwindang nang ganito kung hindi, di ba!!!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

100:0

I really don't know why lately forwarded e-mails have been so apt with my situation right now. I actually received this yesterday, but only read it this morning. How I wish things could be easier...

I know I wasn't supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend together. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I've heard people say that while some good things never last, others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began...

I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that I should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn't with each other...


BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES
Kelly Clarkson


Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong

Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

(Chorus)
Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes


I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside

Cause I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

(Chorus)

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don't cry on the outside
ANYMORE!


(Chorus)

Saturday, June 24, 2006

A Touching Story of Life



If there is one thing I'd like to thank www.highfiber.org for, it's because it is where I was able to download an e-book of Tuesdays with Morrie. Last month, I was so pissed because I got overwhelming pokes after I posted the lyrics to the singles of the top two American Idol Season Five finalists (Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee).If you want to experience what I did, try visiting the said site. Yeah,it's cool coz you get to download songs, pictures, and documents.But people can be so mean there!!!

I have heard great reviews on Tuesdays with Morrie, and I saw it countless times on the bestseller's list at National Bookstore. But when I finished reading it this afternoon, I found myself crying because unlike the main character, Morrie, I still have questions in life unanswered and I still find myself doubting people around me though I shouldn't.

Below is the summary of it that I got from http://www.albom.com/morrie.htm.

"Tuesdays With Morrie" is the heartwarming story of Albom's relationship with his college mentor, Morrie Schwartz, with whom Albom has lost touch for 16 years. Upon seeing him on the "Nightline" program - talking to Ted Koppel about what it was like to die from Lou Gehrig's disease - Albom was both horrified and ashamed. He called his old teacher, flew to Boston for a reunion, and began a series of weekly visits, rekindling their loving teacher-student relationship while tackling a larger subject in their final "class": the meaning of life.

Tuesdays With Morrie details those Tuesday visits, and the shared reflections on love, work, marriage, envy, children, forgiveness, community and aging, all seen though the eyes of a wise old man who was down to his last days.



My favorite aphorism from Morrie: "Don't give up too soon, but don't hold on too long!"

Life is definitely too short! Go live it to the fullest!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

CHARMED FOREVER!



I knew I'd shed a tear or two when the final episode of Charmed airs, and I did! I saw the series finale last Sunday and I found myself teary-eyed as I savored the last 60 minutes of my most favorite show ever.

I was kinda hoping Cole Turner (Julian McMahon) would show up, at least to let Phoebe (Alyssa Milano) know that he's okay, but the wedding between Phoebe and Coop (Victor Webster) sure delighted me. And Phoebe's premonition happened - but she was surprised to know that she had three lovely daughters instead of one. Meanwhile, Paige (Rose McGowan) and mortal Henry (Ivan Sergei) had twins and another kid. Of course the grown-up Wyatt and Chris (Wes Ramsey and Drew Fuller) were present, and Leo (Brian Krause) was finally reunited with Piper (Holly Marie Combs), courtesy of the Angel of Destiny. The girls' father Victor, who is also a mortal, was also present to give his support. I loved the ending because it showed the three generations of Halliwell (Grams Penny, Patty, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige) fighting against the Ultimate Power (Christy, played by Marnette Patterson), who was eventually vanquished by her own sister, Billie (Kaley Kuoco).

I will miss the show terribly! But the eight years they gave us loyal viewers were all worth it! Right now, I'm saving my money to buy the DVD sets of all eight seasons, which would probably be my most expensive collection to date.

You'll never be forgotten, guys. I wish you all good luck in all your undertakings. Blessed be!!!



Upper portion (from left to righ)t: Phoebe's kids with Billie, Chris and Wyatt, Paige with kids
Center: The Halliwell family pictures
Lower portion (from left to right): Coop, Leo, and Henry

Sunday, June 18, 2006

for whatever it's worth...

i finally got an e-mail from him (thank God!). he said the assignments and projects somehow irk him but all in all he's okay. he still insists on knowing my blog site, and i obviously deprived him of the information. who knows, he might have an inclination that my refusal to give him my address is due to the fact that most of my posts lately is about him, hehehe!

he also told me he'll find me someone there. but as i told him before, i still prefer pinoys (or should i say, i still prefer him ) over any nationality. but i told him if he could find me someone who looks like jude law, julian mcmahon, hugh jackman, or mark ruffalo, then it's fine with me, harharhar!!!

i'm glad i had the chance to relay all my "kilig" stories of him to someone. it really feels good to have finally shared those things to her. thanks for the time, Ate! hope the plan i told you works when he returns.

saw the lake house yesterday with my good friend, mitch. i loved it to the core. the song "this never happened before" plays in my mind endlessly. good thing i already have it in my i-tunes list.

and before we parted ways last night, mitch told me these words: "ayan ka na naman ha! be careful with your heart!" don't worry girl! although i must admit i'm completely drawn to him, i'm still sane not to lose myself in the process.

for whatever it's worth, i'm happy with whatever it is that we have now.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

The Meantime Girl

I received this tearjerker yesterday morning and it made me cry indeed. I guess it's worth sharing...

What's a meantime girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night.

She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light.

She's too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable. She doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely and need female companionship, she'll do just fine.

You don't have to dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool...

Why can't all women be like that?

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs. She could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Yeah, I'm a Meantime Girl. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too.

A lot.

* The upcoming two weeks will somehow be unbearable. But on the brighter side, it would give me time to assess my feelings.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

what a week!

i can say i had a great week indeed!

from monday onwards, my officemates have been teasing me about my birthday. they said it ought to be a week-long celebration, harhar!!! but i really don't mind them greeting me that early. they're actually more excited than i am.

finally, i got my TF for the article i wrote for a magazine that stopped its production even before my article got printed (sigh!). but it's a good thing they kept their promise and paid all the contributors. i bought myself a stylish liz claiborne watch as remembrance for that freelance job.

last payday, we received the second cut for our CBA which was supposed to be given starting December of last year. i bet the top management is somehow slowing up the process especially now that the P125 across the board wage increase has passed the second reading and there are talks of having it divided into a three-year scheme. but as they say, "buti na 'yan kesa wala!"

another quotable quote from him this week: "YOU CONSTANTLY AMAZE ME! GANYAN KA BA TALAGA PAG MAGBI-BIRTHDAY?" if only this guy could read my mind...

then yesterday, my birthday, i was surprised with gifts on my table. there were flowers (all in yellow - that's why they asked me what color i love the most huh!) from my "siblings" (my e-test sis and bro), cards, and trinkets from my friends (two pairs of silver earrings from my friends and another pair of black freshwater pearls from our former editor).

the food was great, too. everything was taken care of by my boss who unfortunately couldn't join us since she's in baguio since wednesday. the cake was ordered a week ago and she left us some money to buy food for lunch (thanks MOMG!). my birthday actually coincides with one of the future members of the top management (we're actually the same age, making people joke about "separated at birth") that is why a mass was held yesterday. but i prefer to attend a mass outside the office that is why i decided to come in late in the morning. it was nice of him to drop by the office to greet me personally (as early as friday we greeted each other already). it was actually he who first found out we were born on the same day since he saw my name posted on the bulletin board. and obviously, people were teasing me about him. but as i told them, he's actually not my type. they asked me why not, insisting he's cute, good-smelling, and everything. my constant answer was "not my type, period!" how i wish i could tell them who's my type...

the question now is, did he greet me? yes he did! in the morning, he sent me a text message with his wish: may the good Lord grant you the deepest and noblest desires of your heart. hey you, you are the deepest desire of my heart! we didn't have the chance to talk that much in the office since he's busy finishing his titles before his departure a few days from now. but in the evening he again asked a favor from me, asking me to tell a friend of mine that he used her umbrella since it was raining hard when he left the office. he also asked for the number of one of our editors. at that moment, i thought that maybe that's how he'll forever see me - his "favor" girl. i've always been like that to him. he texts me everytime he can't make it to the office or everytime he needs something. of course some of my officemates are questioning that act of him and yet i couldn't give them an exact response on why he always does that. and fyi, my cellphone just rang at this very moment, with a joke message from him. some kind of coincidence, huh!

today i watched two interesting films, DERAILED and RUMOR HAS IT. Both stars Jennifer Aniston. The first one is a film of deceit and vengeance while the second one is about family secrets with a funny twist. Mark Ruffalo is getting cuter I should say.

I guess that's it for now. At least I had a great birthday week. Until my next post...