questionable remarks

i wasn't expecting that kind of remark from him yesterday. "na-miss" ka namin kahapon ha!" heller, baka ikaw lang ang naka-miss sa akin and you're just so shy to admit it. if only you knew how hard my day was last friday, you wouldn't have traded places with me. the comprehensive exam was head-breaking, especially because i took seven subjects compared to last week's four. the hardest was the intercultural/international communication which i answered for more than two hours (elective lang yun ha!).

in the afternoon, one officemate complemented me by saying she thinks i'm prettier than before. bragging aside, i've been hearing stuffs like that lately, especially from people who notice i've lost some weight, hehe! and would you believe, he again commented by saying, "oo nga, sobrang ganda mo ngayon!" i know he throwed me some stare after that yet i decided not to look back at him. it's tough, but i can't tell him to cut the crap and just ask me out. i want him to realize there is a chance for us. and i hope he does that soon...

no further explanation needed

PARA SA AKIN
Sitti Navarro

Kung ika'y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako'y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At mayroon ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pag-ibig
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako'y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin


Does the song need further explanation?

Closing Cycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary
time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the
other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles,
shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we
give it, what matters is to leave in the past the
moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come
to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to
live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all
of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has
happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another
step until you find out why certain things that were
so important and so solid in your life have turned
into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for
everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife,
your friends, your children, your sister, everyone
will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves,
getting on with life, and they will all feel bad
seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the
same time, not even when we try to understand the
things that happen to us. What has passed will not
return: we cannot for ever be children, late
adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards
our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair
with someone who has gone away and has not the least
intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them
really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may
be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things
away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have
at home. Everything in this visible world is a
manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going
on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories
also means making some room for other memories to take
their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from
them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so
sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect
anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be
appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love
to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional
television to watch the same program over and over
again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a
certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing
else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love
relationships that are broken off, work that is
promised but there is no starting date, decisions that
are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment."
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be
finished: tell yourself that what has passed will
never come back. Remember that there was a time when
you could live without that thing or that person -
nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This
may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it
is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or
arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your
life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the
house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were,
and change into who you are.

- author unknown

Sana ganun lang kadali ito...

so sweet and so kind

This was the love text I received from Globe yesterday:

"Should I smile because we're friends or should I cry because that's all we'll ever be...?"

Yeah, right!!!

I have loved the melody of the song below but it's just lately that I realized how apt it is to my situation right now.

Tattooed on my Mind
D'Sound

Maybe you'll soon forget about all
Or maybe you'll miss it like I do

One thing's for sure:
I'm all knocked out
Spend too much time thinking of you

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

I don't wanna write, I don't wanna call,
I would not know what to say
It should be you, that's how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Oh, yesterday I was feeling safe
All I do today is trying to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
And your face is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Yes I know you're tattooed on my mind you're tattooed.....

Could someone wake me up please...???

I guess my horoscope's right!

A few days ago, I was planning on starting this blog entry with the line: "Move on, even if it hurts!" Does it? Yes, it does, especially since I don't know where these feelings of mine are headed to. By the way, the line came from a beautiful piece I received from e-mail entitled "Closing Cycles". I'll post it next time.

Last Friday, my horoscope has this to say: "You just can't wait to tell a crush your true feelings. Hold it for a while. This is serious and timing is everything, so find a way to keep it secret." Duh!!!

It pains me everytime he comes near me. Coz you see, the closer I get to be with him, the more intense my feelings become.

Inasmuch as I want everything to be civil for I believe it's the proper thing to do, I can't help myself everytime he's around. But I have to be brave. Because if all of these are going to be just like the same things I experienced with my previous flings, I really am in a lot of trouble.

P.S. I'm scheduled to take my comprehensive exam on the 19th and 26th. I don't know why up to this day I don't have the strength to review although my notes are ready. It's just that I'm so fed up with work that the only thing I want to do at home is rest. I guess I would have to rely with my schemata and God's grace by then.

STILL GRAPPLING

All right! I said I would stop flirting with him, but I guess I'm just human. It's tough avoiding him, especially since we're too close not to have a conversation at all.

Yesterday, I received an "eye opener" text message from a friend. It tells of Plato being asked by his student on what love is all about. He then instructed his student to go to the wheat field and pick the best leaf he could find. The student returned empty handed, and when asked to explain, he has these words to say: I saw one which was extraordinary, yet I thought I would find a better one along the way. But I found none and it was too late for me to go back. According to Plato, that's love!

Tsk,tsk,tsk! Call me overconfident or whatever. I'm not saying I'm a better choice but it should be evident by now how much I like him. When I received the message yesterday, there was this feeling inside me that told me to go ahead and open up. I'm not that close to the sender of the message but she was kind enough to understand my situation. I told her how much I wanted to forward the same message to him, for him to realize what he's been missing. My friend then asked me if it's indeed a mutual thing and I told her I believe it is. Gut feel is a very strong emotion, especially with women. I actually heard that from him when he asked me a few months ago about a supposed secret that I know that he wasn't so sure of. And when I asked him how he knew about it, he said "gut feel". If I'm wrong, then I wouldn't have been right all this time.

And to make matters more "exciting', I sent him a message yesterday saying good luck on his future "dates". He replied there would be no more dates for him, especially because he's been placed on the spotlight lately because of it. I honestly don't believe him, but deep inside my heart I am hoping he's telling the truth.

How am I now? I still am grappling with this feeling I have for him. I like him, but he likes someone else! Somehow, it is one of the greatest ironies of life and love. It's just so unfortunate for me...

hoping for a new chapter

Here I go again. Someone has made my world upside down!

A part of me says stop, and another part says seize the moment and enjoy it while it lasts.

I want to stop because I feel like I'm belittling myself everytime I throw myself on him.

I want to continue since I honestly am enjoying every minute of it all.

Now the question is: Why does it always happen to me? A few days ago, while chatting with a good friend of mine, I told her about this new event in my life. It came to a point when we discussed the words "love" and "adore".

I know I promised not to talk about this anymore. But right after our chat, one very important thing occurred to me. It dawned on me that what I felt before was just ADORATION - an adoration gone terribly wrong! . But as they say, it's all in the past.

It's back to square one for me. But this time, I know it's more of "like" than "adore". And before it reach the point where I'll lose myself in the process, I'm letting go of this feeling. Goodbye to closeness, sweet nothings, intentional jokes, and uncalled for messages. And above all, goodbye to flirting!!!

Another chapter ends... yet I hope that the next one begins soon. And that this time it would last forever!

the idiosyncrasies of the system

i haven't been posting lately for honestly i feel disturbed. it's not that type of paranoia where i have to be dragged to an "institution" for rehabilitation. NOPE!!!

i feel disturbed because in the afternoon of March 29, i received a "confidential memo" from my company's hr department, complete with a signature from one of the members of the top management, for alleged violation of a certain company rule, more specifically discourtesy to an hr official. they were claiming i used a discourteous language when i dealt with an hr officer 12 days earlier for my returned personnel change form (PCF) despite my supervisor's signed letter of explanation. actually, this wasn't the first time my pcf was returned, and up to this moment, their policies are still not clear to me and most of the associates. insane, you may say, but it happened. i don't know how a simple case could blow right into my face. of course i vehemently denied the accusation. i never uttered any foul language to any of them. i admit i raised my voice a little, but being pissed that i am that time, such behavior is but normal for any individual.
right now, the case is still not closed. i don't even know what their decision is. i feel disturbed because never in my life have i been insulted like this, let alone be the subject of such a huge accusation. i have protected my image in the company, for close to four years, and look where it brought me. i have been a good employee, and people around me can attest to that. all those years, i haven't been given suspension unlike my co-workers (mostly for coming late in the office) and i'm very proud of myself for that.

whatever happens, i'm ready to let go. as i told the girls, i've come to accept my fate, though it breaks my heart that i'm leaving this way. i'm leaving not because i wanted to save myself from shame since i didn't do anything wrong, but to leave some self-esteem for myself.

i'll end my post with a line from julia stiles from the film 10 things i hate about you: "why would i live up to other people's expectation except of myself?"

My latest splurge...

Here are the latest addition to my collection:

A Walk To Remember stars pop star Mandy Moore and Once and Again's Shane West. This film had me wiping my face full of tears in the end. It's definitely a must-see for the sentimental types.

When I first saw Never Been Kissed I didn't enjoy it that much since the copy a friend lent me was somehow third-rate. Now I have all the time to enjoy this Drew Barrymore flick.

The film A Beautiful Mind was something I really waited for way back 2001. When I heard good reviews about it, I immediately searched the web about its plot and the life story of Prof. John Nash, beautifully played by Russel Crowe. I was so disappointed that he lost to Denzel Washington (Training Day) that year, when all Denzel did in that film was scream and fire his gun! Likewise with Halle Berry who bagged that year's Oscar for the film Monster's Ball. I know she's a great actress yet I thought Nicole Kidman was better in Moulin Rouge.

Finally, I now have a copy of American Beauty with another favorite, Kevin Spacey. He's really a natural when it comes to portraying "disturbed" characters - remember Seven, K-PAX, and even in the drama The Shipping News and Pay It Forward.

My last splurge - Girl, Interrupted - stars two great actresses, Winona Ryder and Angelina Jolie. The latter won for that film her first Academy award for lead actress in a supporting role.

Why only now, you might ask? Honestly, I've been eyeing these titles for a year now, and it was only last week that I got them all on sale, yipee!!! And due to a tight budget (as always, LOL!) I wasn't able to buy three more that I really like. These are 50 First Dates, Moulin Rouge, and There's Something About Mary.

And now I have an empty pocket, hehe!!!

CHARLIZE vs REESE

Time flies fast and now the first quarter of the year is almost over. What has happened to me these past few days? Not that much! The Oscars was a dismay for me since I was hoping for Heath Ledger (Brokeback Mountain) and Charlize Theron (North Country) to win. I haven't seen both Walk the Line and North Country in its entirety, but for me Charlize deserves the trophy more. Charlize's film "Monster" was never shown here in the Philippines (and I can't even find a copy of it in any video shop) but I know she acts genuinely and without any effort at all. I guess Reese is now the next big thing in Hollywood! She's like Julia Roberts who was first recognized in the romantic comedy genre. The only difference is that she was younger when she bagged her Oscar's. I loved her in Cruel Intentions, Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, and recently, in Just Like Heaven.

I saw Must Love Dogs last week. John Cusack is not that appealing to me anymore! He seemed to have gained extra pounds here and everywhere. But Diane Lane looked lovelier, as always. She's indeed a perfect example of the phrase "aging gracefully". As for the story, I find it plain and dull.

I hope could rent "Crash" in the days to come. I really feel sorry that I just passed it by for so many times in the video shop. And now that it won the best picture in the Academy Awards, it really deserves my time.

Next in line: Pride and Prejudice, North Country, and Syriana. The local film "Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros" has kept me waiting for so long. It was a recipient of numerous international awards and yet the producer has not come out with a DVD format yet. I'm also curious about "Nasaan si Francis?," another local film that got the nods from movie critics lately. These are actually my type of local films, not the teenybopper or slapstick comedies that are unfortunately released often.

back to my old self...

my oh my, i'm definitely my old self again. i've somehow regained the eagerness for work and i can now see myself smiling and even laughing my heart out most of the time. i guess that's how life should be. you have to pick yourself up everytime you fall, or else nobody will.

as for career news, i declined an offer for a same position from a smaller publishing house. my goodness, they're offering me the same compensation as i am presently receiving. that's insane!!! i'm not that stupid to leave my job, start from scratch, and earn exactly the same. maybe next time i'll get a nicer offer, one that will put importance on my work experiences and educational attainment.

i've also done some freelance writing. i can't wait to see my articles in print!!!

what else? of course i did some shopping (bargaining ought to be the exact term, lol!) and movie watchin' with my good friend, mitch.

last month, as she requested, we saw NARNIA. the visual effects were spectacular and definitely a must-see for the young ones and those pretending to be young still, harhar!!!

a week ago, still with mitch, we went to market! market! to see the much talked about film, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. i really love this film! i am open to understanding such relationships. i have nothing against gays and lesbians and my stand is that we let them be themselves. a few weeks ago, even known priest, Fr. Caluag of De La Salle, said that we ought to give them respect for they deserve it like normal people do. but what i liked the most was when he said that we should separate the sexual aspect from how we see them as a person for when we start to think such, there goes the problem! we tend to associate the third sex with lustful intents and the like.

last night, i rented a copy of THE PERFECT MATCH (also known as FEVER PITCH). hey debs, i love it to the max! from this film, i was able to define the word COMPROMISE. For me, compromise is when you learn to sacrifice something for your one true love without having to lose yourself eventually. i love jimmy fallon's character in the film for he's so adorable. drew barrymore, as always, delighted me with her simple yet funny antics.

that's all for now, folks. and as promised to doren, no more mushy posts for me. maybe sometimes, for i can't help myself everytime i receive something worth sharing!

BLAME IT ON THE LOVE MONTH

Because it's February already, I have been receiving lots of love messages lately, this one the latest among them (received this last Wednesday). I can say that this is one of my favorites. As I was reading it for the first time, the song JUST FEEL BETTER by Santana featuring Steven Tyler, suddenly played on the radio.

Tell me what to do
You know i can't see through the haze around me
And I'll do anything to just feel better
I can't find my way
God, I need a change
And I'll do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better.

Oh well, it seems everyone and everything is calling on me to move on. I must try though it's hard. As i always say, "NO CHOICE BUT TO ACCEPT REALITY!"

Anyway, here it goes:

THE ESSENCE OF TRUE LOVE

If you're afraid to love a person because of friendship, then you have choices, either to tell what you feel and let the love take place forever, or to hide the feeling under a friendship full of
pretensions.

Sometimes I would ask myself, What would make me happy?
to think that I have everything else, I get what I want... then I realized it was YOU, too bad co'z it's you I can't have... love can never be so beautiful without friendship... one leads to another and the process is irreversible... the best of lovers are the greatest of friends!!!

Love doesn't have to have a happy ending, because love doesn't have to end at all. A man realized he wanted his love back not wanting to be hurt again. The girl said "no." The man cried out
to God, "if it was meant to be, why did I lose her?" God replied, "you didn't lose her... you let her go!" When you love someone, don't expect that person to love you back the same amount. One of you will be ahead, the other behind. It's either you catch up or the other waits.
 
THINK OF THIS:

Have you really cared for someone more than you expected? Have you ever tried to love him in spite of all the pain? Will you keep on loving him as he whispers someone else's name? Will you?

True love hears what is not spoken, and understands what is not explained, for love doesn't work in the mouth, nor the mind, but in the heart...

When you love, you must not accept anything in return, for if you do, you're not loving but investing. if you love, you must prepare to accept pain, for if you expect happiness, you're not loving but using...

I like you because you're my friend, and because you are my friend I care, and because I care, I love you, I don't love you because you are my friend, I love you because I do!
 

WHAT IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU THIS:

"Don't believe in courtship. It's just a waste of time. If I love a person, I'll tell her right away, but for you I'll make an exception... just love me now, and I'll court you forever!"

Never be afraid to fall in love. It may hurt a lot, it may give you aches and pains, but if you don't follow your heart, in the end you will cry even more for not giving love a chance.

I'm sorry if you can't love me the way you loved the one before me, so I'll let you go to find her and hope someday you'll see that the one true love you're looking for was the one who set you free...

Ain't it funny we're trying to catch the attention of the one we think we love? We hardly notice the one we're really looking for was just there. We don't notice them 'till they are in the arms of someone else...

Love is like standing on wet cement, the longer you stay the harder it is to leave... and you can never go without leaving your prints behind...
 

FOOD FOR THOUGHT:

It's better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than lose that someone you love with your useless pride.

I can't choose who I'm going to love, but I also can't just love who chooses to love me... and you can't blame me in choosing to love you as much as I can't blame you for not learning to love me.

"How can I say goodbye to someone i never had?
Why do tears fall for someone who was never mine?
Why is that I miss someone I was never with and I ask why love someone who's love was never mine?"

It's hard for two people to love each other when they live in two different worlds... but when these two worlds collide and become one, that's what you call.............. magic!

Don't love a person like a flower, because a flower dies in season. Love them like a river because a river flows forever...

"Love may leave your heart like shattered glass, but keep in mind that there's someone who'll be willing to endure the pain of picking up the pieces so you could be whole again."

The most cruel thing a guy could do to a girl is to let her fall in love when he doesn't intend to catch her fall! (and vice versa!)

"Work like you don't need the money, Love like you've never been hurt, Dance like you do, when nobody is watching..."


Flash! Flash! Flash!

I can proudly say that I have let go and moved on! I'm sooo relieved! The road to recovery was way too difficult but I survived. Thanks to my friends' advice and of course, thank you Lord for always being there. I am so blessed!

emotional whirlwind

The past weeks have been an emotional whirlwind for me. Yet I try very hard to pull myself through the day and I guess I'm quite successful in surviving the days that pass me by. It isn't easy pushing myself to the limit when in fact I'm hurting inside. But all of these I assume would give me lessons to reflect on in the future.

Last Sunday, I found out that the position I applied for is already filled and at that very moment I thought my world would crumble right in front of my face. I tried to assess how I felt that time, and though I am very much disappointed that I didn't make it, I found myself not shedding even a single tear which I believe is a very good sign. My friends comforted me by saying that I am indeed overqualified for the said position and I believe them. But what hurts me the most is the fact that I was counting on that opportunity to bail me out of my present company so that I could learn to finally let go and move on with my life.

Yesterday, I received this very touching message from an unknown author. It almost made me cry instantly yet I decided to keep my composure. It now made sense that somewhere out there, someone feels the same as I do or experiences the pain that I am currently feeling.

I'd like to share this piece (my edited version) for it has helped bring back the sanity in me (honestly!). I must admit that I'm still not doing well and I am still hoping everything would return to the way it used to be. Yet after all that have been said and done, I'm afraid it never will. But I can always try to be nice and accept the reality that people can hurt us sometimes, but that hurt heals... eventually!

Falling In Love: Is It Worth It?
All people have at one point in their life experienced the painful realization of a love unrequited. Even with all the discouragement, even with all the well-intentioned advice from friends, falling in love is a no-going-back event. Unfortunately, time can't be reversed.
Now, people around you doubt falling in love in itself. They cannot feel the warmth that consumes you. They cannot ache with the turbulent and confusing anxiety and joy that grips you. They do not know the mental stress you experience trying to rationalize your emotions. They cannot believe that you do not want to be in love with a person who doesn't love you back.
Loving and loving without getting any response can be destructive to anyone. It is a thousand deaths every time. It's an "unmourned" for death because no one else can understand.
Love is not sustained by hope but by wishes. There's a difference. No matter how perverse, people suffering from unrequited love try to get out of it while secretly wishing that he'd give a sign to show it isn't hopeless. In desperation, unrequited lovers can even imagine signs if only to remain sane.
How can you love a brick wall? A dead end? Slavery without any sign of salvation? How foolish! How unreasonable! Unfortunately, how human too!
"Why won't he love me? What is wrong with me?" scattered thoughts echoing such pain are not exactly abnormal. Even the best-looking, best-hearted people can't always expect others to love them back. Why? People sometimes need to feel unloved by everyone so that they learn to love themselves.
There is nothing wrong with unrequited love. It happens all the time. I wont delude you into thinking that if he can't love you back he is not worth it. In fact, believe that he is. He is worth it all: the headaches, the anxiety, the embarrassment. He is worth it because, like you, he needs others loving him. This sounds funny but the world is round for a reason. We are all part of a circle. If you love him and he loves someone else, just think of whom you're hurting by loving him. It's a cycle. Whose love are you not returning?
Give yourself a chance to be in love again. Maybe you’re just too scared. Or perhaps, maybe because you had been waiting for a perfect moment, a perfect someone, and a perfect me. Maybe because you had always felt that beliefs ought to be perfect---ideal, so to speak ugh!
At the end of the day, when all is said and done, loving without being loved back is the best thing to do because feeling so much pain, you learn to heal; knowing so much fear, you learn to stand up to anything; carrying so much sadness, you learn to glorify in joy.
Lastly, this may be a cliché but there is someone who is right for you, and even if he's not, he'd still be right because loving doesn't make sense until you accept it and make it real.

"No one can ever promise you they will never hurt you, because at one time or another it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spent together will be worth the pain in the end..."

some thoughts...

Here are some comforting words from Paulo Coelho:

"And with love, there is no rules. Some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behaviour; others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationship - but this is all folly. The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters."

"All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, "I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it." We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules. But utimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience. Those who are truly enlighted, those whose souls are illuminated by love have been able to overcome all of the inbibitions and preconceptions of their era...They have been joyful - because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender."

"One doesn't love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we are seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God."

*****

How am I feeling? I must say so-so. Although I would like to let go and move on, I guess it's normal for me to feel this way. I'm sure in due time I will finally learn the art of letting go. For now, all I must do is pretend not to feel anything (which is really hard and it sucks!) and keep myself busy with other things (re: music + the internet = the perfect lonesome, boredom, and disappointment remedy).

Almost there...

Received these from e-mail a few days ago...

"Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to
someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up
doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough
to let go!"

"Like a rose wilting and dying, so feels my heart. You trampled the
most fragile thing in my body, and didn't even know it. I thought you
felt the same as me; you smiled, touched my arm, stood up for me. My
spirits were lifted. This was the first time anyone did this, and for
a time I felt beautiful because you made me. I never wanted to leave
your side; I was afraid to lose you, but then reality hit me - you
never felt the same, I had been floating on a fake cloud. You
trampled my heart and didn't even know it."

*****

Surprisingly, these are the very thoughts I have now. I tried to assess what I'm feeling these past few days. But still, I know I have to go ahead as I planned. Things will never be the same. Am I prepared to let go? I'm getting there, I guess. In cases as inevitable as the one I'm into right now, there is really no turning back. I believe the best way to let go is to walk out the door and start anew. I will be fine, that I'm very certain of. But for now, I need to love what is right in front of me, before I could learn to start over. And when that opportunity finally comes, it'll have everything I have to offer!!!

LET GO (?)

Got this forwarded message from my graduate school friend, Kitche. Inasmuch as I would love to let go, I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that yet. But in due time, I'm sure I will.

Let it go for 2005 ...by T. D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you,
staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you,
you can't make them stay.
Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person,
it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's
part in your story is over so that you
don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something.
I've got the gift of good-bye.
It's the tenth spiritual gift,
I believe in good-bye.

It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful,
and I know whatever God means for me to have
He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something
that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life,
then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...
LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents ..
LET IT GO!!!

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new
level in Him...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves..
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ....
LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing new thing for 2006 !!!
LET IT GO!!!

Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then
LET IT GO!!!

saved!

Funny, but I just joined a certain yahoo group last week and it's making me cry this fast. I could really relate to this one... sobra! Hope it's that easy to do.

Letting Go

Imagine this. In your hand is a very precious creation, so fragile, so valuable that if you keep on holding, it would either stay or fall apart.

But you loved this creature so much, so much that letting it go would be like letting go of your life as well. So much that sometimes you wished it would be there forever. So much that you tend to be selfish at times so as you could make it stay for
as long as you like.

Don't we all wish something "so good" could be forever? Don't we all hope that happiness is there to stay?

There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone "so nice" and "almost perfect" and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person (sometimes without even
realizing it). This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually guzzles our thoughts and actions to the extent that we tagged it as one of those "too good to be true" thing.

The sad part there is when we begin to realize that, this particular person feels totally nothing but friendship. A "thing" that would be forever a "thing" nothing more, nothing less... just a thing! You're
just a friend, and that's the fact! Then in our desperate attempt to get closer (or at least be noticed), our efforts are still futile and we end up sorry for ourselves.

One person said, never ever let your heart run your life, as much as you can, always be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Try to listen not merely on what your feelings is invoking on you as a person but more importantly listen to reason as well.

Letting go of someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free (in the real sense of it), but it is also setting yourself free from all animosity, revulsion, and resentment that was long kept in your heart.

You have to let go because the bitterness often puts away the strengths and weakens the littlest hope, making our lives more miserable than ever. Worst, presenting yourself as the "most affected one" sets the nastiest impression of all time--whatta a loser!

The trick there is...always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow.

If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love...right? Just regard it as another mismatch of heaven! Well, you can cry of course, or whine or shout (growl even) if you have to, but make sure that after those outbursts you have washed away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you (easy said than done I know!).

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You really don't have to forget someone you love
('cause it's hard). What we need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for what we have become. I think it's better that we give off that dedication and love to someone more deserving.

Hmmm..."Who could it be" is the next interesting question to ponder.

Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray hard that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

My Lullaby...

These songs are my lullaby lately.

Breakdown
Mariah Carey

You called yesterday to basically say
That you care for me but that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be feeling similarly
And led you to believe I was O.K.
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Chorus:
Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly
'Cause I don't want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise 'til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights and then break down and cry

So what do you do when somebody you're devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you and it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride and sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave me this way"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

[Chorus]

Yeah, c'mon
Yeah, c'mon, c'mon
Break break down
Gotta get control
Roll roll roll along
Steady breakin' me on down
Roll roll roll along
Break break down
Gotta get control
Roll roll roll along
Steady breakin' me on down
Roll roll along

It'll break you down
Only if you let it
Everyday crucial situation wrackin' my mind
Tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it
Forget it
Forget it

I've been feelin' like you're breakin' me down
Kickin' me around
Stressin' me out
I think I better go and get out and let me
Release some stress (stress)

Don't ever wanna feel no pain (pain)
Hoping for the sun
But it looks like rain (rain, rain, rain)
Oh, i just wanna maintain

Yeah, when you feel the pressure's on
But nevertheless
Krayzie won't fall
It's over
It's endin' here, here

[Chorus]


Have You Ever?
Brandy

[Chorus] Have you ever loved somebody so much It makes you cry? Have you ever needed something so bad You can't sleep at night? Have you ever tried to find the words But they don't come out right? Have you ever, have you ever ?

Have you ever been in love Been in love so bad You'd do anything to make them understand? Have you ever had someone steal your heart away You'd give anything to make them feel the same? Have you ever searched for words
to get you in their heart But you don't know what to say And you don't know where to start?

[Chorus] Have you ever found the one You've dreamed of all of your life? You'd do just anything to look into their eyes Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to Only to find that one won't give their heart to you? Have you ever closed your eyes and Dreamed that they were there? And all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

[Chorus] What do I got to do to get you in my arms baby? What do I got to say to get to your heart To make you understand how I need you next to me? Got to get you into my world Coz baby I can't sleep… [Chorus]

Last night I'm glad I was able to relay to a good friend what has been bothering me lately . Thanks, sis! I really need some release. Feels like my head's spinning.

NEW YEAR PREDICAMENT

Never have I imagined this would happen at this point in time. I thought I have accepted my fate but I really have to go and spread my wings.

All I know is that what I feel isn't right, it won't do me any good if I really am not prepared to move on.

I feel a bit stupid, but I'm just human. I can't suppress my feelings and I find it hard to control myself.

Poor me... I can't even turn to anyone regarding this predicament of mine. They might laugh out loud and say "GAGA KA TALAGA" or "NABABALIW KA NA BA?". I'm not ready for such comments, that is why I keep it all to myself, though the situation slowly breaks my heart into pieces.

All that is left to do is leave... get away from it all as soon as possible. This is the only way I know. I should at least leave something to myself. If I continue to stay, I'm not certain if I can handle the pressure and the uncertainty. Even now, I'm not sure how much longer can I hold on.

Lord knows how I'm hurting inside...

GOODBYE and HELLO

As the new year ushers in, let me reflect on the things that happened to me so far...

Gosh, do i need to reiterate? I have been blogging my emotions for everyone to see, regardless if I receive some comments or not.

Goodbye to frustrations, bad experiences, and disapointments. I'm leaving them all behind. After all, I need not bring excess baggage to my next journey.

Hello to a new beginning, great opportunities, success in all undertakings, and hopefully a blooming love life (who knows!).

Cheers to a wonderful 2006 for all of us!!!