SOMEHOW GUILTY

It has been weeks since I saw Frank Rivera's adaptation of The Summoning of Everyman at the Rajah Sulayman Theater (aka Theater-in-the-Ruins) inside Fort Santiago.

Tao: Isang Tagulaylay tackles man's sinfulness and his seeming disregard for the Lord's sacrifices to save us from our sins. The play, which was shown to the public for free, coincided with Ninos Inocentes (December 28) and was dedicated to streetchildren and the differently-abled, abused, and vulnerable kids.

And nope, this is not another review.

I went there on a friend's invitation. And having checked my schedule for that day, I decided to go, being a huge fan of stage plays (and lately, independent films, too) myself.

What caught my attention the entire play was its depiction of how the seven deadly sins affect our lives, and how each of us has struggled to avoid falling into the trap.

This led me to ask myself: "Am I guilty of any of those sins? What have I done to veer away from it?"

Greed. I don't think so! At my present job, I could honestly say that I have stayed for the simple fact that I have come to love it. Yes, I don't earn much and I am sick and tired of the exasperating policies, but then hey, I'm still here. All I yearn for once in a while is a little recognition and appreciation, yet somehow I believe that what I ask for is far-fetched.

Gluttony. Am I? I started my no-rice diet last year and have managed to lose some pounds. I am delighted that I feel lighter now and that people have began to notice the change. But I seem to still not get enough of chocolates and chips. Now there goes my problem, huh! I'm all for gradual weight loss, and my fight continue up to this day.

Lust. Errrr...no! I may not be the teenybopper-role model-Maria Clara-type of woman but I would not jump in the sack with the first guy I met either. I still have my values intact. I admit I'm single right now, but who cares! I enjoy my singleblessedness a lot and the hope remains in my heart that someday the Lord will send me the guy I truly deserve, and not just someone I desire.

Pride. Guilty as charged, and I'm not actually proud of it. I often argue with friends and family members, and it would normally last for months, sometimes even years. It's not that I have difficulty forgiving someone. Most of the time, I just don't want to make the first move and say, "Let's just forgive and forget," especially if I have all the reasons to believe that it wasn't my fault in the first place. But love forever dwells in my heart, and I know that in time, wounds would heal.

Sloth. If sleeping the entire day on a weekend or during the holidays can be considered as sloth, then shoot me! This probably is one of my biggest problems. I often think that I should make up for the sleeping hours I lost the preceding days (mostly due to working late at work). I know I should be productive and make use of my time wisely, so this year I'm planning to do some volunteer work. I still don't know where but I'm working on it. I say good luck to me!

Envy. At times, I guess. I don't refer here to being envious of Hollywood stars often parading their Gucci dress, Prada stilettos, and Louis Vuitton bags. I am talking of being a little jealous of my contemporaries who earn more than I do, and those in other countries who seem to be having the time of their lives. I know I am doing my best, and a little determination would eventually push me to higher grounds. For now, I hold on to the fact that a bright future awaits me somewhere else. I just have to be forbearing.

Wrath. I may be infuriated with little things (like coming to the office a few seconds late, or having found out I stained my newly-bought blouse) but what irritates me the most are news on child abuse, child labor, and other child-related cases. It just pisses me off that children are subjected to such unacceptable circumstances, and even more disturbing is that their parents or other family members turn out to be the perpetrators.

There you go. Now you know I'm not a good person after all. Just like you, I do have my ups and downs; I do fall into temptations.

But as our Lord is a forgiving one, we are given the chance to just drop down on our knees and repent our sins. Of course we may commit the same fault from time to time. Yet we learn from our mistakes, don't we?

I'm actually looking forward to another "TAO" in the future. Who knows what other lessons I may pick up next?

when sheer enjoyment slips away

"When you are doing what you love to do, no one has to motivate you or challenge you or check up on you. You do it for the sheer enjoyment. You don't need rewards or applause or payment, because you love serving in this way. The opposite is also true: When you don't have a heart for what you're doing, you are easily discouraged."

- Day 30, Thinking About My Purpose, The Purpose Driven Life

I agree!

However, there comes a time in our lives when we say to ourselves, "Enough is enough, I'm fed up, I'm pissed off!"

Confucius once said: "Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life!"

I did, or at least that's what I thought four years ago. Don't get me wrong, but I love my job to the core! But these past few months have been so draining, at times I feel like I couldn't breathe anymore.

What happens then? I'm keeping my fingers crossed for now. I know my worth and my capabilities as well. All I ask for is a little recognition and some appreciation. Too much to ask for? I don't think so!

For whatever it's worth, I'm grateful for the opportunity and the experience, and the lifetime friendship I was able to establish. I will cherish them all in my heart forever.

Thy will be done...

hello to 2007!

Here's to another year!

Do I have some expectations for this year? Of course I do! Just as I have hopes, dreams, aspirations, and other positive thoughts.

However, I'm not keeping my hopes high. I just strive to do what is best, and hopefully the rest would follow. I leave it all up to the Lord.

Top priorities for year 2007 would be career advancement and a budding love life. Yet I'm betting more on the former than the latter. The first quarter of this year will be very crucial, and I hope for wonderful things in store for me this year.

Why a little faith on the second one? I've been hapless in that field for crying out loud! The result of my latest "romance" (if I could really call it that way!) is somehow too soon to tell. There are so many questions on my mind, like "Why try to contact me only now?", "Why the invitation to an important occasion?", and the never-ending whys. I'm actually scared of interpreting his text messages. For now, I'm contented that he makes me smile, and it felt really good to see him after two years. I just don't understand why he's so difficult to comprehend. I have tried a number of times to squeeze him, to find out if he's got something under his sleeves, a hint of even a little thing for me or whatever. But everything was pointless! Maybe it's just supposed to be that way. After all, most men are like that, just as they find us women hard to bear. A common friend of ours actually thought something's going on between us already, that it's about time he made his move. I asked her to remain calm and stop herself from even saying a single detail about us to anyone we know. She's actually more excited than I am, and there, I should say, goes the problem. Excitement is intangible, therefore not to be relied upon. Unless there is really something going on between us, then I see no reason to be euphoric.

I know I should be excited, but there's this part of me still hanging on to the previous year. I hate excess baggage! I just pray for something sublime in the days to come. I know I deserve one.

Quotations I Learned From This Year

How time flies! The year 2006 is about to end, and another one is on the way. There are so many things to still thank for this year, amid all the frustrations, disappointments, and unfortunate incidents. But one thing is certain... I know I have grown stronger and able to seize another day.

As for next year, let's just wait and see. Hope is definitely something I cling on to and I'm not willing to give that up.

As promised, here are the quotations I learned from this year.

From GREY'S ANATOMY

Quotes from Meredith Grey (beginning or ending narration):

"See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in a while, people may even take your breath away."

"We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves...that knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."

"I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it had a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong. What if you make a mistake you can’t undo. Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true. That by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it."

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here's what I know.If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side... is spectacular."

"Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside."

"In letting go of bad habits, old memories, what's important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning. Amid all the crap, there are a few things really worth holding on to."

Quote from Callie Torres (to George O'Malley):

"Don't chase me, unless you're ready to catch me."

Quote from Nurse Olivia (referring to a woman who left her fiancee after finding out he is about to undergo a serious medical operation):

"If she can't love him back the way he loves her, then she doesn't deserve him."

From CHARMED

Quote from an Elder:

"At the end of the day, even we can't change what's meant to be."

Quote from a Leprechaun:

"It doesn't matter what breaks a person, only what they live with."

From CSI

Quote from Catherine Willows:

"When you lose a possibility, it kinda sucks!"

Quote from Sara Sidle:

"I have a problem with authority. I choose men who are emotionally unavailable. (motions to Grissom). I'm self-destructive. All of the above."

From Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom):

"Don't let go too soon but don't hang on too long."

From By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept (Paulo Coelho):

"Life takes us by surprise and orders us to move towards the unknown – even when we don't want to and when we think we don't need to."

From The Purpose-Driven Life (Rick Warren):

"Relationships, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life." (Day 16)

"Relationships are always worth restoring." (Day 20)

"There are no shortcuts to maturity." (Day 28)

"Vulnerability is emotionally liberating." (Day 35)

And something I realized this year:

"Love is a cycle; a never-ending process unavoidable, especially to those who are vulnerable."

un(lucky) me!

I lost my cellphone last week (December 14)...damn! I don't know how it happened, it just "magically" disappeared from my bag, and I found out only after three or four hours after. The perpetrator might have taken advantage of my constant opening of my bag while I was at the mall buying some more gifts. Anyways, I believe in karma, big time! I wasn't even temperamental afterwards for I believe crying won't do me any good. And as they say, what happened, happened! After all, I already reported it to the National Telecommunications Commission last Tuesday, and the people there assured me that it will be blocked in two weeks time. The phone will be useless, so is the SIM card. The only thing they could do with it is "chop-chop" the parts and sell it to Greenhills or elsewhere. Poor buyer, I guess! Whoever has my phone now, whether the perpetrator or the buyer, I bet he or she is in for a big surprise soon!

Now there goes my MP3 player! I was supposed to buy one the following day. But because of this cellphone thing, I opted to buy a new phone instead (the same unit, di na nadala!). It's a necessity now than a want. Come to think of it, a cellphone to me is like a business opportunity in itself. One of my freelance jobs have actually tried to contact me last week, but since I lost my phone (with most of my VIP numbers stored there), she wasn't able to reach me until Monday. So instead of spending days editing her articles, I was given two hours to finish everything. And you know what, it was worth it. The pay was great...fast and in cold cash! Cheers to my first ever freelance editing job!

As for my Christmas list, so far I have only accomplished two. I've been wearing contact lens since December 9, and it feels good. Unfortunately, it took away the grade for my astigmatism but I could still see clearly. Now I don't have to feel uneasy wearing my eyeglasses.

Also, I bought the drawer I've been eyeing for my discs. And since it's big enough for other things, I also stuffed it with my bags and other important documents. By the end of the month, I plan to buy a new set of bedding.

There you go! There are other unlucky incidents, maybe due to mere clumsiness or I've just been so unfortunate lately. Yet I believe that there are better things to come my way. And I hope that happens soon...

The Air of Christmas

The Christmas season is definitely in the air once more!

'Tis the season of spending... oops, gift-giving I should say. I'd love to reward myself with a few stuffs this year – a boom box MP3 player, a trendy ELLE ladies' watch, a pair of natural shade contact lens, a drawer for my compact discs, and a new set of bedding. Talk about few, huh! Anyways, I'm certain I won't be able to purchase them all, but a 3-out-of-5 wouldn't hurt don't you think so? After all, with the measly 13th month pay I'll be receiving tomorrow I don't think I could afford to even complete my list. There are a lot of people to give gifts to – family, friends, godchildren, and even strangers (I plan to give something to two disabled women I often pass by the church on my way to work). I say measly for even though I think I'm this year's "top grosser" in our department due to tons of overtime and fewer absences, I feel like it's still not enough this year. And bonus...NADA!!! That seems to be nonexistent in my organization's vocabulary. So, what now? I have to make both ends meet, as always! I still hope for a better tomorrow and it's something worth holding on to.

By the way, here's my latest video purchase:


Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Not so action-packed, I should say. But the chemistry between Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie is evident. Shiloh Nouvel is fortunate to have both as parents, and Maddox and Zahara, too!


The Perfect Catch. (also released as Fever Pitch) I've already rated this film months (or a year) ago. Definitely one of my favorites! Thanks again to Debbie for introducing me to this great film.


Life or Something Like It. Another Jolie film, yet it flopped in the box office. Her acting here was so-so. But the plot was nice. It made me think that what if I were in her shoes... what would I do with the last seven days of my life?



There's Something about Mary. Laughter to the MAX!!! I literally fell from the movie seat when I saw this with my college friends years ago. Cameron Diaz is effective in comedy roles than drama. And I couldn't imagine Ben Stiller crying on the screen either.

The next days will be hectic for me, with all the shopping for gifts and other preparations. I'm also doing a compilation of quotations that hit me this year, all of which are lessons learned for me. I'll post it next time.

Until then...

musings

"Lahat naman tayo kelangan may ginagawang bago from time to time para habang gumagalaw ang mundo, pati tayo INSPIRED sa buhay! Tingin ko talagang gumagawa ng way ang pag-progress ng TIME para maayos ang mga bagay na dapat ayusin, malimot ang mga bagay na hindi na dapat iniisip, at mabigyan ng chance ang mga bagay na makabubuti at makakapagpapasaya sa atin! Tama ba? "

– from kooki.multiply.com

I've been contemplating lately... and by this I mean a lot! The message above is from KC Concepcion's multiply site. It kinda hit me in the face, you know! CHANGE is really something people should work on, but only if you think it would be for the better. That is what I need right now. I'm not bitter or anything. I just believe it would be healthy and all the more invigorating.

Last Sunday, I attended the first birthday of an "estranged" friend's daughter. I was hesitant at first, for we haven't talked for more than two years. The reason for our conflict is really a petty one, yet the kind that actually ruins most friendships.

My decision to go and attend her child's party can be attributed to Rick Warren. I've been reading an e-book of The Purpose Driven Life these past few weeks and it made me realize a lot of things. Here is the lesson that moved me to finally do what's right: "Because life is all about learning how to love, God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt, or a conflict." – Day 20, Restoring Broken Relationships

We can't bring back the past, and there's really no use crying over spilt milk. We actually didn't have enough time to talk, but I'm sure what happened that day would be a start of something new for us. We're planning to meet up before Christmas. And probably by then we could finally put an end to whatever it is that still bothers us both. And you know what... just seeing her child kinda erased every pain that she has unintentionally given me in the past.


me, bhitz, and mitch
inset: bhitz and ayesza

Meanwhile, there's this certain song by Nina my officemate has been asking me about lately. I must admit I'm just like her. I can't seem to let go of a certain melody whenever I hear it and it eventually stays inside my eardrums. Most of the time I find myself going straight to a computer shop and have that song downloaded. Am I a freak or what?

Here's the song:

someday
nina

Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this though my eyes

By then I won’t even be there

I’ll be happy somewhere

Even if I cared

I know you don’t really see my worth

You think you’re the best guy on earth

Well I’ve got news for you

I know I’m not that strong

But it won’t take long

Won’t take long


Someday someone’s gonna love me

The way I wanted you to need me

Someday someone’s gonna take your place

One day I’ll forget about you
Someday, someday



Right now I know you can tell

I’m down and I’m not doing well

But one day these tears they will all run dry

I won’t have to cry, sweet goodbye


Someday someone’s gonna love me

The way I wanted you to need me

Someday someone’s gonna take your place

One day I’ll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday I know someone's gonna be there


Talk about strong lyrics, huh! I really admire the air of positive thinking this song portrays. Now the question is, "Do I find myself relating to this song?" In a way, I do. But it's actually not for someone in particular, but for all those who gave up on me without even realizing how extraordinary I am. Go girl!!!

Ciao by now!

hectic yet hopeful

I've been too preoccupied with work lately, finishing six titles in time for this school year's second semester. I've been working so hard, having almost sleepless nights, and all of these for nothing at all.

Now more than ever, I feel it's time for me to move on. A change of environment would definitely do me good. Yes, I have a prospect. And until it's final, I'm leaving it all up to the Lord.

I need a complete turnaround. I found out a few weeks ago that someone's been admiring me. At least I know I'm bringing smile to someone else's face. And you know what, someone's making me smile, too. However, there's not that much of expectations this time. This is probably one of the greatest lessons I've learned so far. I've known him for three years now, and didn't even think he'll try to contact me all this time.

There are pressures all around - marriage, career, dissertation - but I'm taking things one at a time. My family and friends are to blame for all of these, hehe! In my case, I'm contented as I am. But I admit there are times when I feel I need someone by my side. I know I deserve one and the hope remains inside my heart that someday the Lord would let me have him.

For now, I'm enjoying what are given me, and I work on things I have yet to achieve. In time, I'll attain them all... and I'm certain of that.

things fall apart

The "ME" moments I have had lately definitely worked to my advantage.

It made me realize that there are instances that when I figured out something that is way out of proportion in my life, it is actually too late. I have already invested too much that I end up gasping for breath since I have left only a little to myself. Acceptable? I don't think so. I know I'm in control but there are days when I feel stupid... for having allowed myself to be swallowed by the seemingly despicable system all around me. I speak here in terms of every aspect of my life. Yes, life sucks! The responsibilities that go along with it can sometimes be draining and daunting altogether.

"THINGS FALL APART" is actually a cliche. It does happen, I know. But I guess we are to blame most of the time for we allow it to happen that way.

But I have come to accept my fate. I have survived the past few weeks and I intend to continue that in the days to come. My eyes are open now; the negativity that has somehow been overshadowed in the past has come to light. The truth will set you free. Yes, indeed!

Hope sparks anew. It's like being born again. I will always be grateful for life itself. For life's mistakes, be it little or big, help us to stand on both feet again.

Looking back... I actually don't have to! Look ahead, welcome, and embrace tomorrow. Because tomorrow is the only thing that matters.

double treat

Last Friday night, I went to Gateway Mall with a friend to see Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros). It tells the story of Maxie, an openly gay 12 year-old who has pickpocketers and cellphone snatchers for a father and two elder brothers. Maxie actually takes the role of her deceased mother; he cooks, washes clothes, and repairs tattered jeans of his family. But despite his homosexuality, he is accepted by his family and he acts as a calming influence to his father and brothers. The problem came when "Kuya" Victor, a rookie cop, came to town. Victor refused to be swallowed by the stinking system of Maxie's neighborhood yet he maintained his friendship with the child. From the moment Victor rescued Maxie from a rape prank from his two neighbors, the "boy" started to admire the good cop. The film ends with Maxie's father dead (he was shot by the chief of police in front of Victor and Maxie) and his brothers, instead of avenging his death, trying to lead a good life for the sake of Maxie who they believe has a great future ahead of him.



This film was actually a part of Cinemalaya 2005. It is currently the Philippines' official entry to the Best Foreign Language Film category of the 2007 Academy Awards (OSCARS).

Here are the List of Awards / Recognition Received (as of July 2006) by ANG PAGDADALAGA NI MAXIMO OLIVEROS:
1. The 1st Cinemalaya Philippine Independent Film Festival 2005
• Special Jury Award
• Special Citation for Best Performance by an Actor (Nathan Lopez)
• Best Production Design
2. Montreal World Cinema Film Festival 2005
• Winner, Golden Zenith (Best First Film)
3. imagineNative Film Fest (Toronto) 2005
• Best Picture
4. Asian Festival for First Films (Singapore) 2005
• Best Film
5. Sundance Film Festival 2006
• Official Selection - World Cinema section
6. Rotterdam Film Festival 2006
• Best Asian Film, NETPAC (Network for the Promotion of Asian Cinema) Jury Award
7. Berlin International Film Festival (Berlinale) 2006
• Best Feature Film, Teddy Awards
• Best Picture, Kinderfilmfest
• International Jury
• Special Mention, Childrens Jury
8. 35th New Directors/New Films Festival, Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) and the Lincoln Center, New York, 2006
• Opening Film
9. Las Palmas de la Gran Canarias Film Festival (Spain) 2006
• Grand Prize, Best Picture
• Audience Award, Best Picture
• Best Actor -Nathan Lopez
10. Turin International Gay and Lesbian Film Festival 2006 - Best Picture

Last night, I watched Rob Marshall's adaptation of Memoirs of a Geisha.

From http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/memoirsofageisha/: Based on the internationally acclaimed novel by Arthur Golden, Memoirs of a Geisha is a sweeping romantic epic set in a mysterious and exotic world that still casts a potent spell today. The story begins in the years before WWII when a penniless Japanese child is torn from her family to work as a maid in a geisha house.



My take on this film - Superb! I like the plot, the acting, and the cinematography. I also like the sacrificial love theme that spanned for more than ten years between Sayuri and the Chairman. It made me think of Jane and Mr. Rochester in Charlotte Bronte's Jane Eyre.

I guess that's all for now. Until next time...

celebrate good times, come on!

"At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate." - Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

She's right, isn't she? (or the show's writer is right, if i may say!) Despite the everyday turmoil we often experience, we're still strong to face another day; we still hope for a better tomorrow. But who doesn't anyway?

It was the last week of August when I found out I passed the comprehensive examination (thank God!) that I took last May. Unfortunately, they didn't give me my certificate for they said I still owe the office a few thousand bucks for the displacement fee of my Communication Theories and Models class. When I begged to know my grade, the staff declined. Oh well, I was pissed at the beginning but I kept my composure. At least I am now relieved of the tension and the somehow "prolonging the agony" state that I and my fellow takers underwent these past few months.

Last Saturday, me and my "friendly friends" from the office had a blast (literally) at the REX-I office. We had pasta, pizza (chicken and bacon, yum!), and roasted chicken delivered for lunch. Gosh, it was an unforgettable experience indeed! We also took turns sharing stories, mostly office issues and the like. (What else is new, hehe!)

Below is a picture taken after the "feast". Notice how big our tummies were due to the heavy meal we had. (LOL!)


This is me, with Rose, Diosa, and Abby.

At night, I went to the UP Cine Adarna (with a friend) to view the special screening of COMPOUND, a local independent film touted by critics as one of the most provocative Filipino films ever. It was directed by newcomer Will Fredo. The film's cinematography was superb and actors John Arcilla, Jake Macapagal, and Janet Russ sure delivered fine performances. The clips were not dragging unlike KUBRADOR (internationally released as "The Bet Collector" and recipient of numerous international awards, including best actress for its lead character, Gina Pareño, who plays a jueteng collector), a film by Jeffrey Jetturian which I saw last month. I guess it's because it's actually a full-length film unlike the latter which was a digital film that was only blown up for commercial release. And unlike KUBRADOR's slow pacing, COMPOUND has just the right pacing, plus the shots were superb, making the bed scenes look realistic, though not too raunchy.

Other films I've seen lately were THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA and SCOOP. I just love how Meryl Streep can be so versatile in her roles despite her age. And Anne Hathaway is so gorgeous that I don't grow tired of staring at her. Her features are actually a beauty queen material! For the second film, despite being directed by Woody Allen, it didn't reach my expectations actually. But Scarlett Johansson was good in that movie. As for Hugh Jackman, I still am not used to see him playing antagonist roles, although he played a sweet part. I still can't get over his charms from Kate & Leopold.



That's it! I guess I'm back... with a vengeance this time, harharhar!!!

beautiful song

Cool video, perfect song! what do you think? I'm such a Grey's Anatomy addict and this video is so awesome, and the song is soothing to the ears.



That's When I Love You
ASLYN

When you have to look away

When you don't have much to say

That's when I love you

I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak

Or see you walk with two left feet

That's when I love you

I love you endlessly



And when your mad coz you lost a game

Forget I'm waiting in the rain

Baby I love you,

I love you anyway



Coz here's my promise made tonight

You can count on me for life

That's when i love you

When nothing you do could change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love

The more my heart can't get enough

That's when I love you,

When I love you no matter what



So when you turn to hide your eyes

Cause the movie, it made you cry

That's when I love you

I love you a little more each time

And when you can't quite match your clothes

Or when you laugh at your own jokes

That's when I love you

I love you, more than you'll know



And when you forget that we had a date

Or that look that you give when you show up late

Baby I love you, I love you anyway



Coz here's my promise made tonight

You can count on me for life

That's when i love you

When nothing you do could change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart can't get enough

That's when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

That's when I love you



When nothing baby

Nothing you do could change my mind

The more I learn, the more I love

The more my heart can't get enough

That's when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

No matter what


TOODLE-OO

this will be my last post about him, promise! starting this september, i'm returning to my previous posts on movie reviews and other stuffs that interest me. let the curtains down... on him i should say (wink)!

Goodbye Alice In Wonderland
Jewel

[Verse 2:]
I'm embarassed to say the rest is a rock and roll cliche
I hit the bottom when I reached the top
I never knew it was you who was breaking my heart
I thought you had to love me
You did not

Yes a heart can hallucinate
If it's completely starved for love
Can even make monsters seem like
Angels from above

You forged my love like a weapon
And turned it against me like a knife
You broke my last heartstring
But you opened up my eyes

[Chorus 2:]
So goodbye Alice in Wonderland
Goodbye yellow brick road
There is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
what was missing in my life

[Bridge:]
Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
Pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told
And growing up is not the absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones
you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold

[Verse 3:]
Well, truth is stranger than fiction
And this is my chance to get it right
Life is much better without all of your pretty lies



[Chorus 3:]
So Goodbye Alice in Wonderland
You can keep your yellow brick road
Cause there is a difference between dreaming and pretending
That was not love in your eyes
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wanting
It was only a reflection of my lonely mind wishing
That you were what was missing from my life

mere "acquaintance"

The following are some lines from I Don't Want to be Your Friend by NINA:

You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'cause all I want to be is just free of you baby

Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Go now, go now

You take it so casually, and baby that's killing me...

*Yep, I've narrowed down our relationship to just a mere "acquaintance". And probably one of these days, I could still lower it to "colleague".

realization

yeah, right!
i'm close to "recuperation".
enough of those
drowning-in-my-own-tears moments.

go away! leave me alone.
i want to say:
i beg you to walk away from me
but will you?

out of sight, out of my mind
i heard this a thousand times
but will it work on me?
i really hope so!

a closed chapter
that's how we should be
things are not always what they seem
guess i believe that now.

let go and move on
easier said than done
yet the most sensible thing to do
when there is no reason to hold on.

until then...
goodbye is not the term
i wish you well
and i hope someday you realize your lost.

*****
From Susan Skog, ABC's for Living: "Laugh until you cry and weep until you can smile again."

totally overrated

this is how i can describe my latest bout with life. how i wish it's that easy to tell him to "scram" and just let me be. damn! he still doesn't get it, or worse, he's in denial still. and what pains me more is this: i couldn't bear with the fact that no matter how many times he breaks my heart, i seem not to get him out of my system. he just doesn't know how much i'm hurting everytime he comes near me. so please, i'm begging... JUST BACK OFF!!!

bottomless no more

Yes, there was a time when my feelings for him were overflowing; it's actually way beyond my grasp. But that was before. My glass is now half empty, a clear indication that i'm almost close to "recovery". It would take a huge amount of effort on my part, that I'm certain of. But I'm taking things as it is, although I seem to be losing my mojo sometimes.

My favorite series of the moment, Grey's Anatomy, has really helped me make it through this tough time of my life. I have quoted some of my favorite lines from the marathon I watched over the weekend:

"Hope pain goes away on its own; that it heals from the wound that caused it."

"Most of the time pain gets managed, but most of the time pain gets you! Fight through, outrun it!"

"Love, like life, is like making choices and fate has nothing to do with it."

"Not knowing is the worst feeling in the world."

I would have told this guy what Dr. Meredith Grey told Dr. Derek Shepherd: "Pick me, choose me, love me." But who the hell am I in his life anyway? I don't even know where I stand right now.

I'm currently doing the best I can with what is left. How I wish I could speed up the process but that is obviously impossible. I guess moving out is the only way to move on. And I hope I could do that soon...

thoughts that linger

sure, i drown in my own tears lately...

sure, there are times when i don't know where i'm going...

sure, love has mostly given me heartaches, but i was able to pick myself up, for i know nobody else will...

sure, falling for someone is a choice we make, yet it is also up to us when to snap out of it and realize that what we "hope" for might not transpire despite our efforts...

sure, i try to conceal my emotions to everyone, only to breakdown and cry when i feel like i could not take it any longer...

sure, i pray for that one special person to share my life with, and i'm not giving up on that, no way...

sure, my family is not perfect, but i guess everybody else's family is, too...

sure, some friends are hard to reach, yet there are those who stick and remain to be there no matter what...

sure, i do not earn much, but i wouldn't trade my job for anything else in this world...

sure, i splurge when i have the chance to, yet no one has the right to question me on that...

sure, i meet challenges and complexities along the way, and these are the things that help make me able and ready to face another day...

sure, my life is a mess sometimes, but at least i'm in control...

and whether i experience pain, chaos, and beauty, i know life still has a lot to offer.

and you know what... i celebrate life's diversity! it's what keeps me sane after all these years!!!

From Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy: "Knowing is better than wondering; waking is better than sleeping."

these songs

why do i have this feeling that the songs i listen to lately somehow has me as its "role model"? most of them tell exactly of what i've been going through right now. but maybe it's just mere coincidence; that somewhere out there someone feels the same way that i do.

i've been hooked to homegrown talents lately, especially bands like up dharma down, juana, and milk 'n money. however, my first featured song for this entry is from nina, the first cut from her latest album which is out this month.

i do
nina


i can sense what you've been thinking
you wanna know if what i feel
is it down or the real thing
does your touch give me chills

if you think i have no interest
in the things you say and do
baby if you close this distance
i'm gonna prove to you that...

refrain:
i'm ready boy, ready boy
you know i wanna play
then come and go, go inside
i've got something to say to you
could have told you what you wanna hear boy
and it's oh so true

chorus:
do i like the way you kissing me
i do, yes i do
do i think about the birds and the bees
you know i do
coz there ain't no ways or maybes
do i wanna be your baby
yes i do, i do, i do

do i like the way you compliment my style
yes i do
do i like the way you chose to make me smile
you know i do
been thinking 'bout it lately
and i wanna be your baby
yes i do, i do, i do
(i really, really do)

i can see you've got some issues
you're afraid to let us start
many pieces of this puzzle
i'm missing from your heart

i can heal the pain you're feeling
i can fix the things you fear
seem too obvious to mention
but you're the reason that i'm here
(refrain and chorus)

bridge:
we could melt into the sun
watercolors start to run
we'll lie between the blue and green
maybe love changes everything

tears won't wash away the hurt
running from it doesn't work
coz love changes everything
everything, everything
(chorus)

all
juana



so you tell me that i'm wasting my time
coz i won't understand the reasons why
all the glimpses playing in my mind
keep on reminding me something's not right

please... beggin'
and here i am waiting for your say
and i say my soul is blackened
haunted by rejections
tell me when will this end

refrain
there is something in the wind
and maybe you should know
that it's real and it's for you
and if there's something in your heart
why don't you let me know
should i say or should i go

chorus
all the wasted time
all the times i've cried
all the words that rhyme
don't mean a thing
if i don't get it straight from you

now you tell me that i've lost my mind
coz you will never tell the reasons why
you had to leave me hanging on the line
somebody else's foot just stepped on mine

please... callin'
and here i am hearing you tell me it's over
my heart is broken
an understatement
coz you know you chewed it into bits

(refrain and chorus)

bridge
everyday
feels like i'm being pushed into a hole
all the heads around are shakin'
my pride is torn and broken
yet you tell me that it doesn't show

yeah all i know
is that one day i will be over you
coz all the dreams that i have known
simply faded in the cold
and something's tellin' me i must let go... let go

(refrain and chorus)

sige na please
juana

kay tagal kong naghintay para sa iyo
hindi ko matiis na ngitian mo na lang ako!
nais kitang hawakan at ipaalam
ang laman ng puso kong ito
ng puso kong ito

chorus
sige na please! sige na please!
pakinggan mo naman ako
dati pa man, dati pa man
ako’y in love sa yo!
sige na please! sige na please!
pakinggan mo naman ako

di ko maintindihan kung bakit ka ganyan
hindi naman kita pinipilit, sabihin mo na lang
kung ayaw mo akong kasama, eh di pagbibigyan
pero isang pakiusap lang
(chorus)


hinihiling
milk 'n money



oras ba ang pinahahalagahan
paano nang nadarama ko
siguro nga'y kailangang magtimpi
upang ang lihim ay di marinig

refrain
kailan ba
mo malalaman
kailan ba
o darating pa ba

chorus
ako na lamang bang maghihintay
kailangan ko pa bang pagdaanan ito
sapat na ba ang makinig
sa bawat oras na hinihiling, hinihiling
hinihiling sa 'yo
o darating pa ba

bakit pa kailangang magtiis
ililihim ko na lamang ito
baguhin ko pa ba ang lahat
pinipigilan ang sariling di sabihin
(refrain and chorus)

nangangarap lang
milk 'n money

naghihintay
sa pagpasok mo diyan sa pinto
kanina pa kita inaabangan,
hinihintay sa tabi ko
alam kong di mo napapansin,
nahihiyang aminin
ngunit sana man lang
ako'y iyong maintindihan

chorus
nagpupuyat sa kaiisip
nananaginip nang gising
pinapangarap na sana nga'y ikaw na nga
nangangarap lang
nangangarap lang

tinitingnan bawat minuto
sa aking orasan
bakit ba ako kinakabahan
sa tuwing lalapit ang iyong pagdaan
alam kong di mo napapansin
umaasa ang puso
pero sana man lang
ako'y iyong mapagbigyan
(chorus)

pakinggan mo sana
milk 'n money

bakit ba sa tuwing nakikita ka
lahat ay naiiba, ako'y sumasaya
mundo ko'y humihimig
umaasang pag-ibig na sana

refrain
ngunit kung ayaw bigyang pansin
dapat ko pa bang sabihin
kahit na damdamin ay pigilin
bahala na

chorus
pakinggan mo sana
ang pag-ibig na umaasa
pakinggan mo sana
ang pag-ibig na umaasa
(sana'y nariyan na...)

sana'y dinggin at isipin
lahat ay nagbabago rin
kung ang pagsuyo't hangarin
ay di mo pa rin naman pansin
(refrain and chorus)

i'm not yet done, guys! this is probably the most heartbreaking of them all. i just chose some relevant parts.

pagkakataon
milk 'n money

paano kung di na tayo magkikita?
paano kung wala nang pagkakataon
masabi ang lahat sa 'yo?

*there are actually so many "what ifs" on my mind right now. i know it's wrong since as we go through life, we really should have no regrets. but i'm just human after all. if what i feel is just some kind of illusion, where must i draw the line?

wazzup with me lately?

ano nga ba? my previous posts have been all about him. kinda enjoy naman di ba, just as i'm enjoying every minute with him (move on and let go pala ha, liar!)

films i have seen lately: pirates of the carribean (dead man's chest) - so hilarious; the breakup - an eye opener indeed!; and many more i can't even recall, hehe!

i also saw the evening screening of three stage plays at virgin labfest (at the cultural center of the philippines)weeks ago (on a friday night). thank you so much ate anabel for accompanying me to that one. i enjoyed it so much. kudos also for making this blogsite "pretty" like me (kapal talaga!).

as for him, hay naku ganun pa rin ever, pasakay always! another officemate of mine knows my secret already. it was one of those "corner" moments when i didn't actually have the chance to deny the truth. she actually promised to "help" me out with him. and would you believe she started her plan yesterday by telling him: "sir, may papakilala ako sa inyo, for sure magugustuhan niyo!" to which he replied: "sigurado ka ba diyan, baka paiiyakin lang ako niyan ha! ay wait, ako pala ang palaging nagpapaiyak..." ganun!

the compliments seem endless, too! yesterday he said how beautiful my attire was to which i answered back: "syempre pretty ako eh!" he said: "sige na nga quiet na ko!" at lunchtime, before we went out he said: "ang payat mo na talaga!" while saying that, my officemate was actually looking at him and she said he was practically staring at me (wink!).

sobrang complicated noh! even ang gastroenteritis ko meron na rin sya! he even said nahawa raw sya sa akin (heller!). he texted me friday morning to tell me he has a mild case of gastro, but the diagnosis was intestinal flu. kinda "bagay" talaga, hehe!

until my next "kilig" post...

back to back

I heard this song from Grey's Anatomy (First Season, Episode 3) and the lyrics kept on playing in my mind. Maybe because it pierced through my heart deeply.

Fools Like Me
Lisa Loeb
Album: The Way It Really Is (2004)

Everybody go, the party's over
I want to be alone in my head, in my bed tonight
You never show
You must really love her
You think I don't know but I do, yeah it's true
I think over is over
I'm right back where I started when it comes to wanting you
I can't have what I wanted

But I did, I can, I was, I am only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, if love's a drug, it always is, it always was
And love was surely made for fools like me

I know where I'm going
I'm tripping I'm sliding around
That's ok, at least I'm excited
It wasn't how I planned it, wasn't how I planned it
Feet are where I landed
At least I understand it now
My feet are where I landed
Feet are staying on the ground

But I did, I can, I was, I am only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, if love's a drug, it always is, it always was
And love was surely made for fools like me
Fools like me, fools like me
I did, I can, I was, I am only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed

Maybe it's the sanest thing
Or just the sweetest kind of dream
But love was surely made for fools
Love was surely made for fools, love was surely made for fools
Love was surely made for fools, love was surely made for fools like me

This next song was highly recommended by 'te Anabel (got this from www.tristancafe.com). Grabe Ate, this is way too related to me!!! Thanks ha! Sana I could download my own MP3 one of these days, then I'll make a wallpaper of the lyrics and play the song altogether when he use my eMAC one of these days. Baka matauhan, hehe!!!

LIHIM
Milk n Money
Album: Graduation Day

Ilang gabi nang lumuluha, nagsisisi
Laging lumalapit, umaasang magbabalik
Habang naglalakad, lumilipad ang aking isip
Sa aking panaginip, Umaabot hanggang langit

CHORUS:
Ngunit pag ika'y lalapit para bang masasaktan
Ayaw mapahiya ngunit di makaiwas
(Ayaw na marinig na ako'y iyong iiwan)
At kapag nandyan at kaharap
Biglang mawawala ang gustong sabihin
Unti-unting nagiging lihim
Kasabay ng luha ko

Gusto ng lumayo sa kanyang mundo
Kahit anong gawin may pumipigil na damdamin

CHORUS

Di na dapat pang ilihim
Aking tunay na damdamin
Takot sana ay tinabi
Kahit na masasaktan na lang

ohhh.... ohhh....

ten times three

10 Things I Hate About You
(as spoken by Kat Stratford, played by Julia Stiles, in the movie of the same title)

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car.
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick.
It even makes me rhyme.

I hate it...
I hate the way you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh;
Even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you;
Not even close;
Not even a little bit;
Not even at all.

10 Things I Hate About You
(as posted by someone from www.highfiber.org)

I hate the way you smile at me because you're drivin' me insane.

I hate the way you talk because you make some girls for you.

I hate the way you look at me because you're making me feel so conscious.

I hate the way you sit beside me because you're making me feel so nervous.

I hate the way you make me laugh because you make me feel so desperate to get you.

I hate the way you care for me because now and then I get carried away.

I hate the way you tease me because I know deep inside you don't have any knowledge how I feel for you.

I hate you so much when you're making me feel so sick, because I know I can't be yours and you can't be mine.

I hate the way you read my mind because you know how to play to be so naive.

Lastly, I hate the way I don't hate you, not even close, not even a bit, not even at all.


10 Things I Hate About You (my own list)

I hate the way you turn around to talk to me because it makes my heart skip a beat or two.

I hate the way you try to start a conversation with me, only to lose your words instead.

I hate the way you give me compliments, because it makes me try my best to get your attention.

I hate it that you tease me, for I never cease to do ways to make you want me.

I hate it that you go by my ideas, for it makes me wonder that we're meant for each other.

I hate the way you treat me as your "favor girl" for I find it hard to explain to people we're "just like that" to each other.

I hate it when you show you care, yet you didn't give us a chance to further our relationship.

I hate it that you consider me only as a friend, for it makes me realize I shouldn't have fallen for you from the start.

I hate the days when you're not around, for it breaks my heart every time I think you're with someone else rather than me.

I hate it that I remain truly yours (for I decided to keep our friendship), even if I'm hurting...

*I actually agree with the second list 100 percent, but I decided to still do my own list. How am I? I'm coping, I guess. I just hope the "girl" remain true to her words - "LIGAWAN LANG PO NIYA AKO, HINDI KO PO SIYA SASAKTAN!" It actually pains me to know that she's still entertaining the possibility of going out with other guys. He doesn't deserve such treatment! But then again, maybe they're not that serious. The term "exclusive" might not be their case. I don't want to know! The last time I searched for the truth, it kinda hit me in the face... big time!

the night i breakdown and cry

it was wednesday night when he admitted to me that he's dating someone i know; the one we've all been buzzing about for quite some time. i didn't force him whatsoever, it just flowed from our conversation. at that moment, i felt like an arrow just shot through my heart! i cried and i'm not afraid to say it. yes, you can't make someone love you! and i shouldn't have assumed and expected in the first place. i know he cares for me, but that's just about it, nothing more. love is indeed misleading, yet we can't help ourselves sometimes. and inasmuch as i'd like to avoid him, for the closer we get the more i fall for him, i believe i mustn't. first, he might think that all this time my kindness to him was just a mere front act to cover my feelings, when in fact the feelings were just a product of our closeness. and second, i'm afraid to lose the friendship. i'm at a loss right now.  the letter read yesterday by joe d'mango over at wave 89.1 even made the matter complicated. here's my favorite part: "why would he let me fall for him when he has no intentions of catching me?" sometimes life is really that unfair, and a one-sided affection is common to most people. i know it would take me some time before i could finally let go. lately i don't know how many times i've played the song have you ever (brandy) on my itunes. true, i'd love to tell him how I feel, but i don't know if i'll ever muster the courage to do so. you know how guys get frightened by such revelations! as for now, i'm trying to be strong; staying miserable won't do me any good. after all, there's always sunshine after the rain, and a light at the end of the tunnel...

never been lovers, not even friends (?)

I quoted the title of this post from the song "Invisible War" by Julia Fordham. I'm still clueless and I believe that's how it's going to be. Yes, I succeeded with the plan, for he eventually gave up and did the first move by sending me a text message. But there are still questions left unanswered. And the stories I've been hearing lately pains me still. I've been talking to friends about my situation and all of them have the same observation - "I DON'T BELIEVE THEY'RE TOGETHER ALREADY!" What the heck! All I want is the truth. Am I wrong to demand for something that would eventually clear my mind of these doubts I have?

Last Sunday, we had the longest exchange of messages ever! I never even imagined we would cross the line and talk about family matters. I must admit I'm guilty somehow since I initiated the talk, but I didn't expect for him to react and he even said he relates to my situation. Actually, we were supposed to talk over the phone (*wink*) and he even asked for my landline, but I declined saying ours is a business line mostly used as pay phone. I really don't want him to think I'm giving in to him that easy (or am I already?). So then he agreed that we just exchange text messages (no choice for him, I suppose).

After the office issues, it was then when I told him it's a good thing he didn't call me up, for he might have heard my mom's monologue over the phone. He said his mom's just like my mom. And having witnessed family issues as a child (we're both the youngest in the family by the way), he said that is one reason why he's afraid to settle down. I would have reacted but I decided not to.

So, are we friends? I think so! My answer is actually based on the first text message he sent me after he arrived. It goes: "If ever you have problems, come to me and I'll help you. If you don't have any problems, come to me anyway. Gagawa tayo ng problema! After all, what are friends for?" I haven't actually sent him a message on friendship before (and this is his first, too) since I don't know if that's how he sees me. All this time I thought I was just a colleague for him, his "favor girl" to be exact.

It's enough that I know he's happy right now, despite his disappointments at work. And regardless of the never-ending questions on my mind, I am happy, too. I just don't know how long this will last...

"Caring is real faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there."

- Erma Bombeck

This thing called enjoy-for-the-moment!

Below is another heartbreaking reality I received from e-mail. It kinda reflects the situation I'm in right now. It's actually longer but I decided to just choose the parts that I could perfectly relate to.

Reasons Behind Feelings (an excerpt)
by Blessie Duque

Whether we dare to admit it or not, if two people spend enough time together, often times feelings get developed. It may not be as strong as falling in love but the attachment and passion is still there.

When feelings grow, there may be times where one feels more than the other. That person might get emotionally attached without wanting those feelings in purpose.

And in order for things not to get spoiled, that person would usually try to control how he/she feels especially if he/she does not have a clear understanding of where he/she stands in the other person's life.

People who are in this kind of predicament typically put their guard up in fear of rejection; in fear that the other person would not feel the way they do; or in fear that if they reveal their real intentions and feelings, the other person might lose interest. So they get content just staying in that situation without having any emotional involvement; with no strings attached and no obligations. But deep inside they hurt, they cry, they wonder. On the other hand, they remain involved maybe because they hope that they would end up having an intimate and meaningful relationship with their partner (dream on!)

Some may be so infatuated with the other person that they would mistakenly consider how they feel as being "in love". They get so blinded by each moment they spend time with that someone because it makes them feel good and wanted even for just that instant. In the bottom of their hearts, they long for that person to care for them the way they do.

The truth is ... nothing will change the way that other person feels for them. It will be no more than just a physical attraction, an enjoy-for-the-moment kind of situation. It sucks doesn't it? But that is reality. You could never make someone like you, care for you, or love you. You could only give so much but in the end if that other person still doesn't see you as someone they could spend real time with, you have to learn how to cut him/her lose because you will end up just playing the role of a "meantime" boyfriend or girlfriend, no more no less.

Reasons of the heart sometimes can never be explained. We do what we feel because we know what makes us happy, even if it means taking the chance of getting hurt over and over. We tolerate pain, we endure heartbreaks, we hold on to instances that need letting go, we sacrifice, and we take risks notwithstanding the consequences of our actions. As we all know, life is full of uncertainties. And we, as human beings are always scared of the unknown. So we hold back from doing what we think is right because it means that we have to get out of our comfort zone. It puts the fear inside us because we are dependent on the feelings we have for that someone. We forget how it is to live without them because we are so used to them being around us. We become inconsiderate of our own feelings that we sometimes fail to remember that things just don't work out the way we want them to...no matter how hard we try.

my version

A portion of a forwarded e-mail I received yesterday:

Tapos itong isa naman sabi: “Mabait lang ako sa babae kaya ako ganito sa iyo.” Lalong masakit! Bakit? Hanep naman kasi. Bibisitahin ka linggo-linggo sa bahay, magiging sweet sa iyo, kakantahan ka pa, yayakapin, hahalikan at higit sa lahat sasabihing napakaganda mo at napakabait at ano ba yun ‘special’ girl ka sa kanya. Hindi mo aakalain na normal lang pala nyang ginagawa yun. Ikaw naman, mafofall ka, hindi mo mapigilan. Pero wala ka namang magawa. Ang sabi ko naman sa sarili ko ngayon, “it’s your loss, not mine.”

My edited version, hehe:

May mga guys na sadyang mabait at maalalahanin. Nandiyang i-complement ka sa tuwing magkikita kayo! Aaargh... ang sakit! Bakit? Hanep naman kasi. Magiging sweet sa iyo, text you sweet nothings, at higit sa lahat sasabihing napakaganda mo at napakabait mo. Ano ba yun ‘special’ girl ka sa kanya? Or should I say, I'll always be his "favor girl"! Shet! Ganun na lang ba talaga? Oo nga, never assume and never expect. Pero, heller! Ano ba ko bato para hindi makaramdam? You treat me in some special way unlike my peers! Sa totoo lang, hirap na rin akong maintindihan ang sitwasyon. Hindi ko pa rin ma-figure out kung normal ba nyang ginagawa yun! Ako 'tong gaga na unti-unting nahulog sa kanya, hindi mapigilan ano mang effort ang gawin ko! Wala talaga akong magawa. Kaya ngayon, lie low muna ever! Pa-girl ba! It's my only way to find out if he's into me or not. Kahit papano may development. Ikaw ba naman ang tikisin siya ng ilang araw! And I guess siya ang nag-give up. Pero subtle uli. Nakakapraning, nakakapagod din! But is he worth it? Siguro nga... kase di naman ako mawiwindang nang ganito kung hindi, di ba!!!

100:0

I really don't know why lately forwarded e-mails have been so apt with my situation right now. I actually received this yesterday, but only read it this morning. How I wish things could be easier...

I know I wasn't supposed to expect anything to come out of our playing pretend together. But even if everything got so painful, I'm still glad to have known you, to have had you in my life even for just a short while. I've heard people say that while some good things never last, others don't even start - I guess that fits us exactly...we could have been good together...good for each other, but then since we never really gave ourselves a chance, things had ended before they even began...

I'm letting you go, I'm letting us go. I've finally accepted that this is the way things would have to be, that I should allow us both to be free enough to seek whatever it is that will truly make us happy. Even if it isn't with each other...

BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES
Kelly Clarkson

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

(Chorus)
Here I am
Once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together but so broken up inside
Cause I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

(Chorus)

Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don't cry on the outside
ANYMORE!

(Chorus)

A Touching Story of Life

If there is one thing I'd like to thank www.highfiber.org for, it's because it is where I was able to download an e-book of Tuesdays with Morrie. Last month, I was so pissed because I got overwhelming pokes after I posted the lyrics to the singles of the top two American Idol Season Five finalists (Taylor Hicks and Katharine McPhee).If you want to experience what I did, try visiting the said site. Yeah,it's cool coz you get to download songs, pictures, and documents.But people can be so mean there!!!

I have heard great reviews on Tuesdays with Morrie, and I saw it countless times on the bestseller's list at National Bookstore. But when I finished reading it this afternoon, I found myself crying because unlike the main character, Morrie, I still have questions in life unanswered and I still find myself doubting people around me though I shouldn't.

Below is the summary of it that I got from http://www.albom.com/morrie.htm.

"Tuesdays With Morrie" is the heartwarming story of Albom's relationship with his college mentor, Morrie Schwartz, with whom Albom has lost touch for 16 years. Upon seeing him on the "Nightline" program - talking to Ted Koppel about what it was like to die from Lou Gehrig's disease - Albom was both horrified and ashamed. He called his old teacher, flew to Boston for a reunion, and began a series of weekly visits, rekindling their loving teacher-student relationship while tackling a larger subject in their final "class": the meaning of life.

Tuesdays With Morrie details those Tuesday visits, and the shared reflections on love, work, marriage, envy, children, forgiveness, community and aging, all seen though the eyes of a wise old man who was down to his last days.



My favorite aphorism from Morrie: "Don't give up too soon, but don't hold on too long!"

Life is definitely too short! Go live it to the fullest!

CHARMED FOREVER!

I knew I'd shed a tear or two when the final episode of Charmed airs, and I did! I saw the series finale last Sunday and I found myself teary-eyed as I savored the last 60 minutes of my most favorite show ever.

I was kinda hoping Cole Turner (Julian McMahon) would show up, at least to let Phoebe (Alyssa Milano) know that he's okay, but the wedding between Phoebe and Coop (Victor Webster) sure delighted me. And Phoebe's premonition happened - but she was surprised to know that she had three lovely daughters instead of one. Meanwhile, Paige (Rose McGowan) and mortal Henry (Ivan Sergei) had twins and another kid. Of course the grown-up Wyatt and Chris (Wes Ramsey and Drew Fuller) were present, and Leo (Brian Krause) was finally reunited with Piper (Holly Marie Combs), courtesy of the Angel of Destiny. The girls' father Victor, who is also a mortal, was also present to give his support. I loved the ending because it showed the three generations of Halliwell (Grams Penny, Patty, Piper, Phoebe, and Paige) fighting against the Ultimate Power (Christy, played by Marnette Patterson), who was eventually vanquished by her own sister, Billie (Kaley Kuoco).

I will miss the show terribly! But the eight years they gave us loyal viewers were all worth it! Right now, I'm saving my money to buy the DVD sets of all eight seasons, which would probably be my most expensive collection to date.

You'll never be forgotten, guys. I wish you all good luck in all your undertakings. Blessed be!!!



Upper portion (from left to righ)t: Phoebe's kids with Billie, Chris and Wyatt, Paige with kids
Center: The Halliwell family pictures
Lower portion (from left to right): Coop, Leo, and Henry

for whatever it's worth...

i finally got an e-mail from him (thank God!). he said the assignments and projects somehow irk him but all in all he's okay. he still insists on knowing my blog site, and i obviously deprived him of the information. who knows, he might have an inclination that my refusal to give him my address is due to the fact that most of my posts lately is about him, hehehe!

he also told me he'll find me someone there. but as i told him before, i still prefer pinoys (or should i say, i still prefer him ) over any nationality. but i told him if he could find me someone who looks like jude law, julian mcmahon, hugh jackman, or mark ruffalo, then it's fine with me, harharhar!!!

i'm glad i had the chance to relay all my "kilig" stories of him to someone. it really feels good to have finally shared those things to her. thanks for the time, Ate! hope the plan i told you works when he returns.

saw the lake house yesterday with my good friend, mitch. i loved it to the core. the song "this never happened before" plays in my mind endlessly. good thing i already have it in my i-tunes list.

and before we parted ways last night, mitch told me these words: "ayan ka na naman ha! be careful with your heart!" don't worry girl! although i must admit i'm completely drawn to him, i'm still sane not to lose myself in the process.

for whatever it's worth, i'm happy with whatever it is that we have now.

The Meantime Girl

I received this tearjerker yesterday morning and it made me cry indeed. I guess it's worth sharing...

What's a meantime girl?

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night.

She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime. She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light.

She's too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable. She doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely and need female companionship, she'll do just fine.

You don't have to dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her. It won't bother her that you'll go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool...

Why can't all women be like that?

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair. You know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs. She could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, and she'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Yeah, I'm a Meantime Girl. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too.

A lot.

* The upcoming two weeks will somehow be unbearable. But on the brighter side, it would give me time to assess my feelings.

what a week!

i can say i had a great week indeed!

from monday onwards, my officemates have been teasing me about my birthday. they said it ought to be a week-long celebration, harhar!!! but i really don't mind them greeting me that early. they're actually more excited than i am.

finally, i got my TF for the article i wrote for a magazine that stopped its production even before my article got printed (sigh!). but it's a good thing they kept their promise and paid all the contributors. i bought myself a stylish liz claiborne watch as remembrance for that freelance job.

last payday, we received the second cut for our CBA which was supposed to be given starting December of last year. i bet the top management is somehow slowing up the process especially now that the P125 across the board wage increase has passed the second reading and there are talks of having it divided into a three-year scheme. but as they say, "buti na 'yan kesa wala!"

another quotable quote from him this week: "YOU CONSTANTLY AMAZE ME! GANYAN KA BA TALAGA PAG MAGBI-BIRTHDAY?" if only this guy could read my mind...

then yesterday, my birthday, i was surprised with gifts on my table. there were flowers (all in yellow - that's why they asked me what color i love the most huh!) from my "siblings" (my e-test sis and bro), cards, and trinkets from my friends (two pairs of silver earrings from my friends and another pair of black freshwater pearls from our former editor).

the food was great, too. everything was taken care of by my boss who unfortunately couldn't join us since she's in baguio since wednesday. the cake was ordered a week ago and she left us some money to buy food for lunch (thanks MOMG!). my birthday actually coincides with one of the future members of the top management (we're actually the same age, making people joke about "separated at birth") that is why a mass was held yesterday. but i prefer to attend a mass outside the office that is why i decided to come in late in the morning. it was nice of him to drop by the office to greet me personally (as early as friday we greeted each other already). it was actually he who first found out we were born on the same day since he saw my name posted on the bulletin board. and obviously, people were teasing me about him. but as i told them, he's actually not my type. they asked me why not, insisting he's cute, good-smelling, and everything. my constant answer was "not my type, period!" how i wish i could tell them who's my type...

the question now is, did he greet me? yes he did! in the morning, he sent me a text message with his wish: may the good Lord grant you the deepest and noblest desires of your heart. hey you, you are the deepest desire of my heart! we didn't have the chance to talk that much in the office since he's busy finishing his titles before his departure a few days from now. but in the evening he again asked a favor from me, asking me to tell a friend of mine that he used her umbrella since it was raining hard when he left the office. he also asked for the number of one of our editors. at that moment, i thought that maybe that's how he'll forever see me - his "favor" girl. i've always been like that to him. he texts me everytime he can't make it to the office or everytime he needs something. of course some of my officemates are questioning that act of him and yet i couldn't give them an exact response on why he always does that. and fyi, my cellphone just rang at this very moment, with a joke message from him. some kind of coincidence, huh!

today i watched two interesting films, DERAILED and RUMOR HAS IT. Both stars Jennifer Aniston. The first one is a film of deceit and vengeance while the second one is about family secrets with a funny twist. Mark Ruffalo is getting cuter I should say.

I guess that's it for now. At least I had a great birthday week. Until my next post...

questionable remarks

i wasn't expecting that kind of remark from him yesterday. "na-miss" ka namin kahapon ha!" heller, baka ikaw lang ang naka-miss sa akin and you're just so shy to admit it. if only you knew how hard my day was last friday, you wouldn't have traded places with me. the comprehensive exam was head-breaking, especially because i took seven subjects compared to last week's four. the hardest was the intercultural/international communication which i answered for more than two hours (elective lang yun ha!).

in the afternoon, one officemate complemented me by saying she thinks i'm prettier than before. bragging aside, i've been hearing stuffs like that lately, especially from people who notice i've lost some weight, hehe! and would you believe, he again commented by saying, "oo nga, sobrang ganda mo ngayon!" i know he throwed me some stare after that yet i decided not to look back at him. it's tough, but i can't tell him to cut the crap and just ask me out. i want him to realize there is a chance for us. and i hope he does that soon...

no further explanation needed

PARA SA AKIN
Sitti Navarro

Kung ika'y magiging akin
Di ka na muling luluha pa
Pangakong di ka lolokohin
Ng puso kong nagmamahal

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako'y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay mamalasin
At mayroon ka nang ibang mahal
Ngunit patuloy ang aking pag-ibig
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin

Kung ako ay papalarin
Na ako'y iyong mahal na rin
Pangakong ikaw lang ang iibigin
Magpakailanman

Di kita pipilitin
Sundin mo ang iyong damdamin
Hayaan na lang tumibok ang puso mo
Para sa akin


Does the song need further explanation?

Closing Cycles

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary
time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the
other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles,
shutting doors, ending chapters - whatever name we
give it, what matters is to leave in the past the
moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come
to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to
live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all
of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has
happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another
step until you find out why certain things that were
so important and so solid in your life have turned
into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for
everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife,
your friends, your children, your sister, everyone
will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves,
getting on with life, and they will all feel bad
seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the
same time, not even when we try to understand the
things that happen to us. What has passed will not
return: we cannot for ever be children, late
adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards
our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair
with someone who has gone away and has not the least
intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them
really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may
be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things
away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have
at home. Everything in this visible world is a
manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going
on in our hearts - and getting rid of certain memories
also means making some room for other memories to take
their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from
them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so
sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect
anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be
appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love
to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional
television to watch the same program over and over
again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a
certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing
else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love
relationships that are broken off, work that is
promised but there is no starting date, decisions that
are always put off waiting for the "ideal moment."
Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be
finished: tell yourself that what has passed will
never come back. Remember that there was a time when
you could live without that thing or that person -
nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This
may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it
is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or
arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your
life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the
house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were,
and change into who you are.

- author unknown

Sana ganun lang kadali ito...

so sweet and so kind

This was the love text I received from Globe yesterday:

"Should I smile because we're friends or should I cry because that's all we'll ever be...?"

Yeah, right!!!

I have loved the melody of the song below but it's just lately that I realized how apt it is to my situation right now.

Tattooed on my Mind
D'Sound

Maybe you'll soon forget about all
Or maybe you'll miss it like I do

One thing's for sure:
I'm all knocked out
Spend too much time thinking of you

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

I don't wanna write, I don't wanna call,
I would not know what to say
It should be you, that's how I want it to be
Tell me you feel the same way

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
And your smile is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Oh, yesterday I was feeling safe
All I do today is trying to be brave
And no melody can seem to soothe my mind
And now I curse you for being so sweet and so kind

And I can't get you out of my dreams
Now I know that you're the dangerous kind
And your face is tattooed on my mind
And I can't get you out of my dreams

Yes I know you're tattooed on my mind you're tattooed.....

Could someone wake me up please...???

I guess my horoscope's right!

A few days ago, I was planning on starting this blog entry with the line: "Move on, even if it hurts!" Does it? Yes, it does, especially since I don't know where these feelings of mine are headed to. By the way, the line came from a beautiful piece I received from e-mail entitled "Closing Cycles". I'll post it next time.

Last Friday, my horoscope has this to say: "You just can't wait to tell a crush your true feelings. Hold it for a while. This is serious and timing is everything, so find a way to keep it secret." Duh!!!

It pains me everytime he comes near me. Coz you see, the closer I get to be with him, the more intense my feelings become.

Inasmuch as I want everything to be civil for I believe it's the proper thing to do, I can't help myself everytime he's around. But I have to be brave. Because if all of these are going to be just like the same things I experienced with my previous flings, I really am in a lot of trouble.

P.S. I'm scheduled to take my comprehensive exam on the 19th and 26th. I don't know why up to this day I don't have the strength to review although my notes are ready. It's just that I'm so fed up with work that the only thing I want to do at home is rest. I guess I would have to rely with my schemata and God's grace by then.

STILL GRAPPLING

All right! I said I would stop flirting with him, but I guess I'm just human. It's tough avoiding him, especially since we're too close not to have a conversation at all.

Yesterday, I received an "eye opener" text message from a friend. It tells of Plato being asked by his student on what love is all about. He then instructed his student to go to the wheat field and pick the best leaf he could find. The student returned empty handed, and when asked to explain, he has these words to say: I saw one which was extraordinary, yet I thought I would find a better one along the way. But I found none and it was too late for me to go back. According to Plato, that's love!

Tsk,tsk,tsk! Call me overconfident or whatever. I'm not saying I'm a better choice but it should be evident by now how much I like him. When I received the message yesterday, there was this feeling inside me that told me to go ahead and open up. I'm not that close to the sender of the message but she was kind enough to understand my situation. I told her how much I wanted to forward the same message to him, for him to realize what he's been missing. My friend then asked me if it's indeed a mutual thing and I told her I believe it is. Gut feel is a very strong emotion, especially with women. I actually heard that from him when he asked me a few months ago about a supposed secret that I know that he wasn't so sure of. And when I asked him how he knew about it, he said "gut feel". If I'm wrong, then I wouldn't have been right all this time.

And to make matters more "exciting', I sent him a message yesterday saying good luck on his future "dates". He replied there would be no more dates for him, especially because he's been placed on the spotlight lately because of it. I honestly don't believe him, but deep inside my heart I am hoping he's telling the truth.

How am I now? I still am grappling with this feeling I have for him. I like him, but he likes someone else! Somehow, it is one of the greatest ironies of life and love. It's just so unfortunate for me...

hoping for a new chapter

Here I go again. Someone has made my world upside down!

A part of me says stop, and another part says seize the moment and enjoy it while it lasts.

I want to stop because I feel like I'm belittling myself everytime I throw myself on him.

I want to continue since I honestly am enjoying every minute of it all.

Now the question is: Why does it always happen to me? A few days ago, while chatting with a good friend of mine, I told her about this new event in my life. It came to a point when we discussed the words "love" and "adore".

I know I promised not to talk about this anymore. But right after our chat, one very important thing occurred to me. It dawned on me that what I felt before was just ADORATION - an adoration gone terribly wrong! . But as they say, it's all in the past.

It's back to square one for me. But this time, I know it's more of "like" than "adore". And before it reach the point where I'll lose myself in the process, I'm letting go of this feeling. Goodbye to closeness, sweet nothings, intentional jokes, and uncalled for messages. And above all, goodbye to flirting!!!

Another chapter ends... yet I hope that the next one begins soon. And that this time it would last forever!